For decades we have heard about the many plights women have faced when it comes to abusive relationships. However, what has steadily been rising over the years are the amount of men being battered by women. Mainstream media has enabled this reality with images of aggressive women fighting men. This is a real issue for many men. In the non-fiction guide, She's Crazy, Nicholl speaks directly to hurting men who feel trapped in relationships with "crazy" women. Get the book today, here.
You might only have one chance to make the right not write impression.
Showing posts with label dating violence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating violence. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Sequel to Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate in the Works Laboring to Love Myself
Since the release of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate in 2007, some readers have asked how has the abuse affected me later in life? The sequel Laboring to Love Myself answers that question as well as others. Like the first book, this too is interactive and challenges you to think about your relationship not with others but with self.
The book will also be available on Amazon.com in winter 2010. To find practical advice about various issues related to abuse, please visit the blog, laboringtoloveanabusivemate.blogspot.com.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Dating & Domestic Violence Awareness
My first book Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate by Nicholl McGuire will be circulating in women's shelters in the Allegheny County area, Pittsburgh PA, colleges and other women's groups in the are. It is being given away for free to during October 2009 which is dating and domestic violence awareness.
The book is located at Amazon.com, Lulu.com, Border.com, Target.com and also over at http://LaboringtoLoveanAbusiveMate.blogspot.com where you can also find more information about all kinds of abuse.
I encourage you to get the book! Thanks!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Are Secrets Destroying Your Relationship? What to Do About Them.
Someone knows something about you that you don’t want your partner to know. You know you should have told him or her by now; but you don’t want to because you fear what he or she may think of you if they knew the truth, so you continue to lie or don’t say anything at all.
It may have been a scar on your body that you lied about, an experience that you told them but left out the details, or something that you did in the past that you regret. Whatever the secret, if it is killing your peace, stealing your joy, or destroying your relationship, then it is something that has to be said and you will just have to deal with the consequences as they come up.
People lie out of fear and they make up excuses when they don’t want to bother with the truth. “I told you this lie, because I was scared you would break up with me.” The reality is that a person will more likely break up with you because you didn’t just come out with the truth and kept the lie going. It is never too late to tell the truth, but if and when you do, prepare yourself for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Too many people have a false hope when it comes to a secret-- the hope that no one will ever find out about it. But as we see someone always finds out as long as there is someone living to talk about it or evidence circulating about it. That is why in the movies the snitch is murdered and the object of discussion is destroyed. But such drastic measures need not happen when the truth is told right from the very beginning. There is a way to tell the truth and relieve your conscience without saying anything and the following information will help you do just that.
Some people will purposely leave information behind so that someone else tells what happens. Others will tell a big mouth in the hopes that they will tell whoever needs to be told or they may write an anonymous letter. Strangers can be some secretive people’s best friends by being there to listen. They are able to find the peace they need when they confide in someone who isn’t involved and doesn’t know them.
Another way to tell your truth is by leaving circumstances and events open to question. For example, you can tell just enough about an incident and leave it open to interpretation usually leaning toward the truth. The person listening can read between the lines if they are smart enough. If it is too embarrassing even for them, they may have learned of the secret, but never say a word. I think of media outlets like the National Enquirer, they wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t some celebrity’s assistant, family member or friend feeding them with secrets. Who knows maybe this is why many celebrities don’t bother to sue, because they know it all isn’t a lie?
You may be giving yourself a hard time about someone finding out about your secret or maybe someone else is giving you stress about someone finding out, but if it is killing what matters the most to you then rid yourself of it and try using some of the ways that were explained to you. Because if you don’t, you will find yourself creating more lies to cover up lies.
Once you have made up in your mind how you will expose your secret, have thought about all of the consequences as a result, go ahead and show or tell your truth. Just like a teacher assigns a child a “show and tell” assignment in school, you will have to be prepared to show or tell your secret. Avoid the temptation to lie again and if you find yourself doing it, tell the person, “I’m sorry, let me try this again…this is what I really meant…no what I just said is incorrect…” If you fear the person may act violent, don’t be around when they find out your secret. If you rely on the person for food, money, and shelter then wait until you have these things before you tell them anything. You don’t want to be put out on the street. If you have children with this person, be sure you know what to do if they should threaten to take your children away from you because of the secret. If you know you have done or said something that may help in a criminal investigation then be sure to have a support system around you such as a lawyer, clergy, and family.
There are those secrets that may be related to employment. If so, don’t say anything unless you have another job. You don’t want to do the right thing and then find that you are without a job. Exposing a secret has to be well thought out, timed appropriately and all options must be exhausted. People get into heaps of trouble when they don’t consider who may get hurt and what may happen as a result of exposing a secret that affects them or someone else.
When you expose a secret that is bringing you or someone you love much pain and grief, you will feel a peace in spite of the consequences. You will wonder what took you so long. In time, you will find that you are acting different. There will be those bouts that you will wish you had never said anything, but then you will remember the peace of having finally told. Even if you don’t feel comfortable in your decision initially, think of the person who may be helped as a result. Of course, if you have told lies to cover up your secret, you will have to earn their trust again.
Think of the many people who have told their stories of sexual and physical abuse, things they saw, what they heard and how their stories helped so many including themselves. If we all kept everything to ourselves and said nothing, then we would all die with broken hearts having helped no one. I thank God for those people who came before me and shared their terrible secrets, if it wasn’t for their courage, I would have never been able to face my own challenges.
Sometimes when people carry secrets they may not realize that what is so important to them may not matter to the person who loves them. If someone truly loves you, then they will walk through the fire with you. If you look at the benefit of having a secret and eventually tell it, you will find that it is a test on whether or not a relationship was meant to be. If this person who claims that they love you can’t handle a little secret, then what makes you think they will be able to handle even bigger challenges in the future? You may have to re-evaluate whether you want this person to continue to be a part of your life.
Finally, there are those secrets that don’t help anyone and those are better left being buried with you when you die.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
It may have been a scar on your body that you lied about, an experience that you told them but left out the details, or something that you did in the past that you regret. Whatever the secret, if it is killing your peace, stealing your joy, or destroying your relationship, then it is something that has to be said and you will just have to deal with the consequences as they come up.
People lie out of fear and they make up excuses when they don’t want to bother with the truth. “I told you this lie, because I was scared you would break up with me.” The reality is that a person will more likely break up with you because you didn’t just come out with the truth and kept the lie going. It is never too late to tell the truth, but if and when you do, prepare yourself for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Too many people have a false hope when it comes to a secret-- the hope that no one will ever find out about it. But as we see someone always finds out as long as there is someone living to talk about it or evidence circulating about it. That is why in the movies the snitch is murdered and the object of discussion is destroyed. But such drastic measures need not happen when the truth is told right from the very beginning. There is a way to tell the truth and relieve your conscience without saying anything and the following information will help you do just that.
Some people will purposely leave information behind so that someone else tells what happens. Others will tell a big mouth in the hopes that they will tell whoever needs to be told or they may write an anonymous letter. Strangers can be some secretive people’s best friends by being there to listen. They are able to find the peace they need when they confide in someone who isn’t involved and doesn’t know them.
Another way to tell your truth is by leaving circumstances and events open to question. For example, you can tell just enough about an incident and leave it open to interpretation usually leaning toward the truth. The person listening can read between the lines if they are smart enough. If it is too embarrassing even for them, they may have learned of the secret, but never say a word. I think of media outlets like the National Enquirer, they wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t some celebrity’s assistant, family member or friend feeding them with secrets. Who knows maybe this is why many celebrities don’t bother to sue, because they know it all isn’t a lie?
You may be giving yourself a hard time about someone finding out about your secret or maybe someone else is giving you stress about someone finding out, but if it is killing what matters the most to you then rid yourself of it and try using some of the ways that were explained to you. Because if you don’t, you will find yourself creating more lies to cover up lies.
Once you have made up in your mind how you will expose your secret, have thought about all of the consequences as a result, go ahead and show or tell your truth. Just like a teacher assigns a child a “show and tell” assignment in school, you will have to be prepared to show or tell your secret. Avoid the temptation to lie again and if you find yourself doing it, tell the person, “I’m sorry, let me try this again…this is what I really meant…no what I just said is incorrect…” If you fear the person may act violent, don’t be around when they find out your secret. If you rely on the person for food, money, and shelter then wait until you have these things before you tell them anything. You don’t want to be put out on the street. If you have children with this person, be sure you know what to do if they should threaten to take your children away from you because of the secret. If you know you have done or said something that may help in a criminal investigation then be sure to have a support system around you such as a lawyer, clergy, and family.
There are those secrets that may be related to employment. If so, don’t say anything unless you have another job. You don’t want to do the right thing and then find that you are without a job. Exposing a secret has to be well thought out, timed appropriately and all options must be exhausted. People get into heaps of trouble when they don’t consider who may get hurt and what may happen as a result of exposing a secret that affects them or someone else.
When you expose a secret that is bringing you or someone you love much pain and grief, you will feel a peace in spite of the consequences. You will wonder what took you so long. In time, you will find that you are acting different. There will be those bouts that you will wish you had never said anything, but then you will remember the peace of having finally told. Even if you don’t feel comfortable in your decision initially, think of the person who may be helped as a result. Of course, if you have told lies to cover up your secret, you will have to earn their trust again.
Think of the many people who have told their stories of sexual and physical abuse, things they saw, what they heard and how their stories helped so many including themselves. If we all kept everything to ourselves and said nothing, then we would all die with broken hearts having helped no one. I thank God for those people who came before me and shared their terrible secrets, if it wasn’t for their courage, I would have never been able to face my own challenges.
Sometimes when people carry secrets they may not realize that what is so important to them may not matter to the person who loves them. If someone truly loves you, then they will walk through the fire with you. If you look at the benefit of having a secret and eventually tell it, you will find that it is a test on whether or not a relationship was meant to be. If this person who claims that they love you can’t handle a little secret, then what makes you think they will be able to handle even bigger challenges in the future? You may have to re-evaluate whether you want this person to continue to be a part of your life.
Finally, there are those secrets that don’t help anyone and those are better left being buried with you when you die.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
Friday, October 31, 2008
10 Internet & Email Dating Tips
The following tips will help you with your quest to find someone who is right for you online.
1. When reviewing the photos of people on social networking sites, be sure that you don't pick someone who is seen in all his or her photographs smiling with their mouth closed, wearing a hat, sitting down, wearing an unusual amount of makeup, or standing behind someone or something. This person is obviously trying to cover up their hidden flaws. They may be balding, obese or very short, have terrible looking teeth, covering up birthmarks, freckles or pimples or they may have some kind of handicap.
2. If you should find someone who has done this in all there photographs, ask them in your email to send you a recent photo. Now he or she may not have one, but give them enough time to get one taken. If they are always coming up with an excuse, move on.
3. Don't rush to ask for phone numbers. If you find that you are anxious to speak to this person over the phone, think about why. Is it because you haven't had sex in awhile, you are just curious about his or her voice, and/or he or she is saying all the right things in their emails? Whatever the case, write as much as you like until you are comfortable with the answers you are receiving and that you honestly care for this person. (If they seem as if they are putting you off, not responding to email in a timely manner or answering all emails with little or no detail, move on.)
4. Be sure when you are writing your first emails to them that you aren't getting "too serious". Don't get into your desires of being married and having children right away or writing a history of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Jane, Mary and Tina who ever broke your heart. Find out what their likes and dislikes are, what they enjoy doing daily, where do they like to go, what kind of hobbies they love, how do they feel about their job, family, and friends. In later emails, you may want to bring up the serious topics in such a way that would not make them run for the border. For instance, when asking about a mental condition, you may say that you read somewhere how most mental illnesses are genetic and that you found out from a friend that he is bipolar (don't make up a lie, but use a true case.) Do they know of anyone who has suffered from the disease?
5. Don't forget to spell check your emails. Many educated people who can spell well, frown at emails that are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Be sure to read over what you write aloud. This helps when you are trying to find out if you communicated your point well.
6. There is no set time on how long you email back and fourth, so don't set a limit of how long you will do it. He or she may have other email pals or gals, but don't let that push you to ask for a date sooner rather than later. Sometimes those other email pals or gals are in a rush to meet and then ultimately hang themselves being disrespectful, pushy, lying, cheating etc. It is better to play the best friend or confidante role to get what you want long term rather than the one night stand.
7. Remember in your emails to acknowledge birthdays and other holidays. Ask about family and friends by name (if you know any.) It makes the receiver feel like you have been thinking about them and sincerely care.
8. When he or she feels like they can trust you, you may want to send them something special in the mail. Reassure them that you wouldn't surprise them on their job or at home, but that you just want to send them something nice. If they aren't ready to share their address, don't take it personal just say, "Maybe next time."
9. Now that you have survived the email relationship, you may want to ask for that all important date. Start the email off by saying how much you enjoyed writing, but you would like to exchange phone numbers. If they say no, be patient, at least you know that they will be thinking about it. The reason why it is a big deal for some people is they feel if they talk with you on the phone that eventually it will lead to something more and if they aren't ready they don't want to lead you on.
10. When you set up the date, time and meeting place, be sure to leave a note in your apartment and tell someone close to you where you will be going. Better yet, if you can have someone at your home to take a photo of the two of you or glance at the license plate of his or her vehicle, you will be playing it safe.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
1. When reviewing the photos of people on social networking sites, be sure that you don't pick someone who is seen in all his or her photographs smiling with their mouth closed, wearing a hat, sitting down, wearing an unusual amount of makeup, or standing behind someone or something. This person is obviously trying to cover up their hidden flaws. They may be balding, obese or very short, have terrible looking teeth, covering up birthmarks, freckles or pimples or they may have some kind of handicap.
2. If you should find someone who has done this in all there photographs, ask them in your email to send you a recent photo. Now he or she may not have one, but give them enough time to get one taken. If they are always coming up with an excuse, move on.
3. Don't rush to ask for phone numbers. If you find that you are anxious to speak to this person over the phone, think about why. Is it because you haven't had sex in awhile, you are just curious about his or her voice, and/or he or she is saying all the right things in their emails? Whatever the case, write as much as you like until you are comfortable with the answers you are receiving and that you honestly care for this person. (If they seem as if they are putting you off, not responding to email in a timely manner or answering all emails with little or no detail, move on.)
4. Be sure when you are writing your first emails to them that you aren't getting "too serious". Don't get into your desires of being married and having children right away or writing a history of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Jane, Mary and Tina who ever broke your heart. Find out what their likes and dislikes are, what they enjoy doing daily, where do they like to go, what kind of hobbies they love, how do they feel about their job, family, and friends. In later emails, you may want to bring up the serious topics in such a way that would not make them run for the border. For instance, when asking about a mental condition, you may say that you read somewhere how most mental illnesses are genetic and that you found out from a friend that he is bipolar (don't make up a lie, but use a true case.) Do they know of anyone who has suffered from the disease?
5. Don't forget to spell check your emails. Many educated people who can spell well, frown at emails that are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Be sure to read over what you write aloud. This helps when you are trying to find out if you communicated your point well.
6. There is no set time on how long you email back and fourth, so don't set a limit of how long you will do it. He or she may have other email pals or gals, but don't let that push you to ask for a date sooner rather than later. Sometimes those other email pals or gals are in a rush to meet and then ultimately hang themselves being disrespectful, pushy, lying, cheating etc. It is better to play the best friend or confidante role to get what you want long term rather than the one night stand.
7. Remember in your emails to acknowledge birthdays and other holidays. Ask about family and friends by name (if you know any.) It makes the receiver feel like you have been thinking about them and sincerely care.
8. When he or she feels like they can trust you, you may want to send them something special in the mail. Reassure them that you wouldn't surprise them on their job or at home, but that you just want to send them something nice. If they aren't ready to share their address, don't take it personal just say, "Maybe next time."
9. Now that you have survived the email relationship, you may want to ask for that all important date. Start the email off by saying how much you enjoyed writing, but you would like to exchange phone numbers. If they say no, be patient, at least you know that they will be thinking about it. The reason why it is a big deal for some people is they feel if they talk with you on the phone that eventually it will lead to something more and if they aren't ready they don't want to lead you on.
10. When you set up the date, time and meeting place, be sure to leave a note in your apartment and tell someone close to you where you will be going. Better yet, if you can have someone at your home to take a photo of the two of you or glance at the license plate of his or her vehicle, you will be playing it safe.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
Monday, October 13, 2008
How to Avoid Insecure Women Friends: Beautiful People with Low Self-Esteem
"You were destined to be great! Beautiful, smart, unique, talented and you will never have a problem getting your foot in anyone's door!" Some of you may have received similar compliments from well-meaning family, friends and strangers. You may know this about yourself, so you may take it like a grain of salt. However, some of you may not know this, and that is why this article is being written. Beautiful people with low self-esteem are targets for some unattractive people who are insecure. They hope to befriend you to get what they want! Hence, the expression, beauty can be a blessing and a curse.
Over the years you may have been friends with the ugly guy, the fat girl, the boy with the acne, the girl with the freckles and everyone else in between. Back when you were in elementary and high school you may not have thought too much about these people other than the fact that they were teased and you pitied them. You may have been one of the ugly ducklings that grew up to be a beautiful swan. With all that said, you may not have realized how attractive you were until the guys started telling you how nice looking you were and the girls around you started acting envious. Now if you were use to hanging out with the not-so attractive crowd, the attention you were receiving from people could have been a turn off or a turn on, but lurking underneath it all you knew you had secretly struggled with your own self-esteem. Years later you still struggle.
While you think you are not pretty to the rest of the world, the ugly people know different and that is why some of those annoying, jealous, and insecure women have been approaching you over the years. For the purpose of this article let's define ugly as you see it. Physically not appealing, bad personality, loud mouth, angry whatever you consider to be unattractive. Now you mustn't confuse the ugly woman with the unattractive women who have no problem with their self-esteem, but are simply looking for a good friend. The sincerely good-hearted, unattractive woman will not seem desperate, annoying or overbearing. She doesn't need you or what you have, she is confident in who she is and if anything, you may be able to benefit from her. This is not the type of woman this article references. However, the ugly woman on the inside and out is who this article is about and you know her. She is in your circle of friends and you are trying to get her out. She was your yesteryear's mistake, the one you befriended when you couldn't wait for the right friend to come along, similar to your past boyfriends, but that is another article.
The ugly woman knows what you are and how she can benefit from you even if you don't. She noticed you from afar like the man staring at you from a distance hoping to get your name and phone number. She invites herself into your personal space with a conversation starter. A simple complaint about something, a compliment on the way you look, a tidbit of office gossip, or other statements. You entertain her with a response and then over time you seem to bump into her where ever you go, at the office, where you live, at school, shopping or some event. (Now everyone you bump into isn't meant to be your friend as you have learned the hard way.) When the ugly woman sees you again, you may be with a relative, friend, your children or alone and now she has even more to talk about. "Oh this is your son. You must be the sister. Wow you must be the husband." At first her approach seems ordinary, matter of fact, nothing special, and you don't think twice about this insecure woman. Then she begins her requests of "let's do lunch, give me your phone number, I know a great place we could go to..." So you take her up on her offer and you find that she is a really nice person. You enjoy her company and she seems to enjoy you until...
She starts calling you too often, dropping by unannounced, showing up unexpectedly at places you frequent, and complimenting you far too many times than you can handle. "You are always dressed so nice. Your hair is so cute. Your figure is nice, I wish I was that small. You have a great shape. You are beautiful you can have any man you want." What started out as nice compliments have become overwhelming and you are beginning to question if this woman is sexually attracted to you, insecure, lonely, jealous and/or confused. Most likely, she is insecure. Think about how many times you went out with her and how many men looked at her as compared to you? When you showed up wearing something new what did her eyes say, not her mouth? What about when you ordered more food than she did at the restaurant, how did she react? When you offered to do some physical activity together like take a walk, did she object? How about when you bought her something nice or offered her money, how did she react to your gift? When she calls you on the phone and you are not available to answer her call, what does she say? How often does she contact you or visit? If your answer to any of these questions makes you feel uncomfortable, chances are you have an insecure woman in your life and sometimes these kind of women aren't easy to let go.
You may be growing tired of her and have told her in so many ways, yet she just doesn't seem to get the message. Other people may have noticed things about her that make them feel uncomfortable too. The "I don't want to be a b*tch" girl inside of you may have dismissed what they said by making excuses for her actions, "My friend is just lonely, she needs a friend. Look at her, she isn't that pretty, etc." However, while you are trying to justify her irrational, controlling behavior, she is growing weary of your friendship too, because she is no longer getting what she wants from you. Maybe she enjoyed riding in your car, wearing your clothes, shopping, talking long hours on the phone and more. She doesn't know how to let go of you either, so rather than retreat from the friendship she keeps it going.
If you are still ducking and dodging your "friend," then you are at an interesting place in your friendship with her. She may have found someone else to annoy who may know you. She begins to confide in this person about everything including what you have told her. She bad mouths you, says hurtful things about the way you look, how you speak or anything else that she may be envious about to this mutual friend. Her words travel back to you and now you are left angry, confused and bitter. "The audacity she would talk about me and allowed her ugly self into my life!" Well, if you would have took the time to notice the signs early on, she wouldn't be in your life, now would she? You could have broken up with her similar to the way you ended your relationships with past boyfriends. "I like you, but you are crowding my space. I think we should see other people." Remember those days? So why is it that women don't cut their losses with these insecure women friends? Because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Now look at whose feelings are hurt!? If there is anything you should remember from this article is watch the company you keep!
If you have reached this place in your so-called friendship with this insecure woman, that was your "out" in this friendship. The following are a list of other ways to handle the insecure women friends you have in your life and how to safeguard yourself from ones in the future.
Here's four points on how to handle the insecure women.
1) Don't invite them over to your home or any other place or event.
2) Avoid confrontation by telling them how you feel about the friendship over the phone.
3) Stop using them for anything you may or may not need such as companionship, food and other household products, car, childcare, money, employment, etc.
4) Don't introduce them to anymore of your family members or friends.
5) Gradually become distant. If you talked everyday, make it every other day for a week or two, then once a week and eventually no calls at all.
Here's how to safeguard yourself from an insecure woman.
1) Know what the two of you might have in common before you go out with them. For example, if she doesn't like to workout and you do, chances are she will grow envious of your body shape. If she doesn't dress nice in the public and you do, she may have a lot to say with her eyes or her mouth about the way you look.
2) Don't confide in her about any relationship problems you might be having with your mate.
3) Delay inviting her over your home to meet your family as long as you can until you feel comfortable you really know her. (She may have saw your man first before she saw you.)
4) Study the way she conducts herself in public and particularly around men. If she is a big flirt or tease and dresses provocatively, would you want her around your man and children?
5) Find out if she has other friends besides you. She will most likely give you signs she doesn't by how often you see her wherever the two of you first met.
6) Ask her about her hobbies such as watch TV, read, write, dance, workout, shop, etc. If she has none, keep away.
7) Talk to her about controversial things and watch her reaction. You will know right away if this is someone you can have an intelligent conversation.
8) Talk about general things such as family, children, employment and see if she can hold a conversation about these basic topics. If you find she doesn't have much to say and you are doing more talking, chances are she may have something to hide or may have some challenges about opening up to people. If she isn't looking for a therapist, don't offer your services.
Avoid feeling sorry for people. She may tell you about her tragic life story in one meeting or every time she sees you. If she seems to be so open about it, then she most likely used it with others to get what she wants. No the difference between a testimony and a sales pitch!
Nicholl McGuire writes articles for numerous websites, feel free to connect and learn more here.
Over the years you may have been friends with the ugly guy, the fat girl, the boy with the acne, the girl with the freckles and everyone else in between. Back when you were in elementary and high school you may not have thought too much about these people other than the fact that they were teased and you pitied them. You may have been one of the ugly ducklings that grew up to be a beautiful swan. With all that said, you may not have realized how attractive you were until the guys started telling you how nice looking you were and the girls around you started acting envious. Now if you were use to hanging out with the not-so attractive crowd, the attention you were receiving from people could have been a turn off or a turn on, but lurking underneath it all you knew you had secretly struggled with your own self-esteem. Years later you still struggle.
While you think you are not pretty to the rest of the world, the ugly people know different and that is why some of those annoying, jealous, and insecure women have been approaching you over the years. For the purpose of this article let's define ugly as you see it. Physically not appealing, bad personality, loud mouth, angry whatever you consider to be unattractive. Now you mustn't confuse the ugly woman with the unattractive women who have no problem with their self-esteem, but are simply looking for a good friend. The sincerely good-hearted, unattractive woman will not seem desperate, annoying or overbearing. She doesn't need you or what you have, she is confident in who she is and if anything, you may be able to benefit from her. This is not the type of woman this article references. However, the ugly woman on the inside and out is who this article is about and you know her. She is in your circle of friends and you are trying to get her out. She was your yesteryear's mistake, the one you befriended when you couldn't wait for the right friend to come along, similar to your past boyfriends, but that is another article.
The ugly woman knows what you are and how she can benefit from you even if you don't. She noticed you from afar like the man staring at you from a distance hoping to get your name and phone number. She invites herself into your personal space with a conversation starter. A simple complaint about something, a compliment on the way you look, a tidbit of office gossip, or other statements. You entertain her with a response and then over time you seem to bump into her where ever you go, at the office, where you live, at school, shopping or some event. (Now everyone you bump into isn't meant to be your friend as you have learned the hard way.) When the ugly woman sees you again, you may be with a relative, friend, your children or alone and now she has even more to talk about. "Oh this is your son. You must be the sister. Wow you must be the husband." At first her approach seems ordinary, matter of fact, nothing special, and you don't think twice about this insecure woman. Then she begins her requests of "let's do lunch, give me your phone number, I know a great place we could go to..." So you take her up on her offer and you find that she is a really nice person. You enjoy her company and she seems to enjoy you until...
She starts calling you too often, dropping by unannounced, showing up unexpectedly at places you frequent, and complimenting you far too many times than you can handle. "You are always dressed so nice. Your hair is so cute. Your figure is nice, I wish I was that small. You have a great shape. You are beautiful you can have any man you want." What started out as nice compliments have become overwhelming and you are beginning to question if this woman is sexually attracted to you, insecure, lonely, jealous and/or confused. Most likely, she is insecure. Think about how many times you went out with her and how many men looked at her as compared to you? When you showed up wearing something new what did her eyes say, not her mouth? What about when you ordered more food than she did at the restaurant, how did she react? When you offered to do some physical activity together like take a walk, did she object? How about when you bought her something nice or offered her money, how did she react to your gift? When she calls you on the phone and you are not available to answer her call, what does she say? How often does she contact you or visit? If your answer to any of these questions makes you feel uncomfortable, chances are you have an insecure woman in your life and sometimes these kind of women aren't easy to let go.
You may be growing tired of her and have told her in so many ways, yet she just doesn't seem to get the message. Other people may have noticed things about her that make them feel uncomfortable too. The "I don't want to be a b*tch" girl inside of you may have dismissed what they said by making excuses for her actions, "My friend is just lonely, she needs a friend. Look at her, she isn't that pretty, etc." However, while you are trying to justify her irrational, controlling behavior, she is growing weary of your friendship too, because she is no longer getting what she wants from you. Maybe she enjoyed riding in your car, wearing your clothes, shopping, talking long hours on the phone and more. She doesn't know how to let go of you either, so rather than retreat from the friendship she keeps it going.
If you are still ducking and dodging your "friend," then you are at an interesting place in your friendship with her. She may have found someone else to annoy who may know you. She begins to confide in this person about everything including what you have told her. She bad mouths you, says hurtful things about the way you look, how you speak or anything else that she may be envious about to this mutual friend. Her words travel back to you and now you are left angry, confused and bitter. "The audacity she would talk about me and allowed her ugly self into my life!" Well, if you would have took the time to notice the signs early on, she wouldn't be in your life, now would she? You could have broken up with her similar to the way you ended your relationships with past boyfriends. "I like you, but you are crowding my space. I think we should see other people." Remember those days? So why is it that women don't cut their losses with these insecure women friends? Because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Now look at whose feelings are hurt!? If there is anything you should remember from this article is watch the company you keep!
If you have reached this place in your so-called friendship with this insecure woman, that was your "out" in this friendship. The following are a list of other ways to handle the insecure women friends you have in your life and how to safeguard yourself from ones in the future.
Here's four points on how to handle the insecure women.
1) Don't invite them over to your home or any other place or event.
2) Avoid confrontation by telling them how you feel about the friendship over the phone.
3) Stop using them for anything you may or may not need such as companionship, food and other household products, car, childcare, money, employment, etc.
4) Don't introduce them to anymore of your family members or friends.
5) Gradually become distant. If you talked everyday, make it every other day for a week or two, then once a week and eventually no calls at all.
Here's how to safeguard yourself from an insecure woman.
1) Know what the two of you might have in common before you go out with them. For example, if she doesn't like to workout and you do, chances are she will grow envious of your body shape. If she doesn't dress nice in the public and you do, she may have a lot to say with her eyes or her mouth about the way you look.
2) Don't confide in her about any relationship problems you might be having with your mate.
3) Delay inviting her over your home to meet your family as long as you can until you feel comfortable you really know her. (She may have saw your man first before she saw you.)
4) Study the way she conducts herself in public and particularly around men. If she is a big flirt or tease and dresses provocatively, would you want her around your man and children?
5) Find out if she has other friends besides you. She will most likely give you signs she doesn't by how often you see her wherever the two of you first met.
6) Ask her about her hobbies such as watch TV, read, write, dance, workout, shop, etc. If she has none, keep away.
7) Talk to her about controversial things and watch her reaction. You will know right away if this is someone you can have an intelligent conversation.
8) Talk about general things such as family, children, employment and see if she can hold a conversation about these basic topics. If you find she doesn't have much to say and you are doing more talking, chances are she may have something to hide or may have some challenges about opening up to people. If she isn't looking for a therapist, don't offer your services.
Avoid feeling sorry for people. She may tell you about her tragic life story in one meeting or every time she sees you. If she seems to be so open about it, then she most likely used it with others to get what she wants. No the difference between a testimony and a sales pitch!
Nicholl McGuire writes articles for numerous websites, feel free to connect and learn more here.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
How Do You Know Your Child isn’t Dating Someone Who is Violent?
As a parent you tried to figure out what has been going on lately with your teenager or twenty something year old. You tried to make conversation with them, but they seemed annoyed. You asked them if everything was okay and they either told you that everything was or they started talking about the usual: job issues, money problems, health concerns or something else. But what could that “else” be? You already heard their stories many times before, but you still have that unsettling feeling in your stomach that they just aren’t telling you everything, until one day you have a fleeting thought, something they said or someone else told you or even worse they have a scar or bruise on their body. Just as you suspected it’s the new boyfriend or the girlfriend who is making your son or daughter act different toward you, and everyone else.
Your beloved child may have once confided in you when he or she was in trouble, but now they don’t feel comfortable telling you anything about his or her relationship for a number of reasons such as: feelings of fear and shame, their "undying" loyalty or love for their mate, personal social or religious beliefs, ignorance on what constitutes a good relationship, and/or denial that anything negative is happening.
Dating violence among adolescents is just as bad as domestic violence among adults. According to the Advocates for Youth website, “More than 20 percent of all adolescents report having experienced either psychological or physical violence from an intimate partner ...”
Dating violence is defined by the site as “...psychological or emotional violence, such as controlling behaviors or jealousy; physical violence, such as hitting or punching, and sexual violence such as nonconsensual sexual activity and rape.”
Some young people, in violent relationships, have been diagnosed with a mental illness before they became involved with their new partner and in the past have had suicidal thoughts or eating disorders. Others are recovering addicts of drug or alcohol abuse and victims of sexual abuse. Some children involved in these types of relationships have unresolved feelings about their parent's separation or divorce while others are still grieving over someone’s death. There are many other past situations that youth have experienced that cause them to feel as if they need to be involved in these violent relationships. You will need to think of what may have influenced your son or daughter's decision. Considering your child's history, their new mate may have entered into their life at what seemed to be the right time. He or she befriended them while they too, have been suffering with their own mental issues. An abusive mate now has the power to make the unsuspecting individual feel obligated to them, because they share something in common “they have been through the same thing;” therefore, the young adult will assume he or she “understands me” which couldn’t be further from the truth. So the young woman or man will tolerate their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s negative behavior toward them, followed by the ever-popular "I'm sorry" after they have repeatedly mistreated your child. Meanwhile, your son or daughter accepts the apology, feeling as if that is the right thing to do, despite their abuse. They learned this behavior ever since they were a child, "When you do something bad, you apologize," then what do parents do? They allow the injured child and the bully to go back and play together!
If your child seems to be involved with drinking, smoking, and/or fighting more than usual, chances are they are hiding from their problems. He or she may also begin or start back to thinking about committing suicide or stop taking prescribed medications. This all can be contributed to this new girlfriend or boyfriend’s negative influence over them.
When your suspicions have been proved correct, the first thing parents want to do is tell their children to leave their abusive mates. I can tell you from personal experience, that is the worse thing you can do when you know that you no longer have any influence over your child. When a rebellious child hears the word “don’t” in their mind, they translate it to “do.” Instead, make the time to talk with your child about your own personal struggles when relating to people and how you resolved matters. Be sure not to blatantly direct your story toward their behavior or choices, otherwise it becomes a sermon; instead of a simple conversation about life. You could also share with them books, websites, Cds, and movies on dating violence. However, don't go overboard with the products, it may be taken the wrong way, so choose one or two based on what their interest might be. For instance, you may notice they enjoy listening to Cds or reading books, then get a product on dating violence in these formats.
You may also want to encourage someone whom they respect and admire to take some time with them. Your child may be more likely to discuss with their favorite relative or friend their troubles. However, don’t count on it, because dating violence just like domestic violence, is not something that is easily shared. No one wants to be judged for the choices they make in life such as being called, “Stupid, crazy, dumb, or foolish.” Your child may be hearing enough of that from their partner.
Other things you can do as a kind, gentle, and caring parent is to be sure you don’t look like a hypocrite. Why is it that your child is running into the arms of an older man, a crazy girlfriend, or some wild, rude weirdo? Could it be because you did the same when you were younger and they heard about it while you tried to cover it up? How did you handle problems in your own relationship? What sort of things were you doing at home (saying, watching or reading) that may have influenced them at an early age? Were you or your partner overly strict parents who may not have been happy about being parents? The worse thing that parents can do when they evaluate themselves is to be in denial or become defensive. “I was never like…that didn‘t happen…I don‘t remember.” Children pay attention more to what you are doing than what you are saying. For parents who still want a relationship with their children, be true to yourself and encourage them to be better individuals by not talking behind their backs to people who can't help them, screaming at your child, or punishing them for things you have yet to understand. Find out what’s wrong, make a plan to address the issue in the kindest and most loving way first, set boundaries so that they aren’t disrespecting you or other members of the family, and apologize for where you went wrong. This is only the beginning, but at least it is a start.
If you would like additional information about dating violence then consider reviewing the book entitled: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate written by a young woman who had survived her abuser.
Your beloved child may have once confided in you when he or she was in trouble, but now they don’t feel comfortable telling you anything about his or her relationship for a number of reasons such as: feelings of fear and shame, their "undying" loyalty or love for their mate, personal social or religious beliefs, ignorance on what constitutes a good relationship, and/or denial that anything negative is happening.
Dating violence among adolescents is just as bad as domestic violence among adults. According to the Advocates for Youth website, “More than 20 percent of all adolescents report having experienced either psychological or physical violence from an intimate partner ...”
Dating violence is defined by the site as “...psychological or emotional violence, such as controlling behaviors or jealousy; physical violence, such as hitting or punching, and sexual violence such as nonconsensual sexual activity and rape.”
Some young people, in violent relationships, have been diagnosed with a mental illness before they became involved with their new partner and in the past have had suicidal thoughts or eating disorders. Others are recovering addicts of drug or alcohol abuse and victims of sexual abuse. Some children involved in these types of relationships have unresolved feelings about their parent's separation or divorce while others are still grieving over someone’s death. There are many other past situations that youth have experienced that cause them to feel as if they need to be involved in these violent relationships. You will need to think of what may have influenced your son or daughter's decision. Considering your child's history, their new mate may have entered into their life at what seemed to be the right time. He or she befriended them while they too, have been suffering with their own mental issues. An abusive mate now has the power to make the unsuspecting individual feel obligated to them, because they share something in common “they have been through the same thing;” therefore, the young adult will assume he or she “understands me” which couldn’t be further from the truth. So the young woman or man will tolerate their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s negative behavior toward them, followed by the ever-popular "I'm sorry" after they have repeatedly mistreated your child. Meanwhile, your son or daughter accepts the apology, feeling as if that is the right thing to do, despite their abuse. They learned this behavior ever since they were a child, "When you do something bad, you apologize," then what do parents do? They allow the injured child and the bully to go back and play together!
If your child seems to be involved with drinking, smoking, and/or fighting more than usual, chances are they are hiding from their problems. He or she may also begin or start back to thinking about committing suicide or stop taking prescribed medications. This all can be contributed to this new girlfriend or boyfriend’s negative influence over them.
When your suspicions have been proved correct, the first thing parents want to do is tell their children to leave their abusive mates. I can tell you from personal experience, that is the worse thing you can do when you know that you no longer have any influence over your child. When a rebellious child hears the word “don’t” in their mind, they translate it to “do.” Instead, make the time to talk with your child about your own personal struggles when relating to people and how you resolved matters. Be sure not to blatantly direct your story toward their behavior or choices, otherwise it becomes a sermon; instead of a simple conversation about life. You could also share with them books, websites, Cds, and movies on dating violence. However, don't go overboard with the products, it may be taken the wrong way, so choose one or two based on what their interest might be. For instance, you may notice they enjoy listening to Cds or reading books, then get a product on dating violence in these formats.
You may also want to encourage someone whom they respect and admire to take some time with them. Your child may be more likely to discuss with their favorite relative or friend their troubles. However, don’t count on it, because dating violence just like domestic violence, is not something that is easily shared. No one wants to be judged for the choices they make in life such as being called, “Stupid, crazy, dumb, or foolish.” Your child may be hearing enough of that from their partner.
Other things you can do as a kind, gentle, and caring parent is to be sure you don’t look like a hypocrite. Why is it that your child is running into the arms of an older man, a crazy girlfriend, or some wild, rude weirdo? Could it be because you did the same when you were younger and they heard about it while you tried to cover it up? How did you handle problems in your own relationship? What sort of things were you doing at home (saying, watching or reading) that may have influenced them at an early age? Were you or your partner overly strict parents who may not have been happy about being parents? The worse thing that parents can do when they evaluate themselves is to be in denial or become defensive. “I was never like…that didn‘t happen…I don‘t remember.” Children pay attention more to what you are doing than what you are saying. For parents who still want a relationship with their children, be true to yourself and encourage them to be better individuals by not talking behind their backs to people who can't help them, screaming at your child, or punishing them for things you have yet to understand. Find out what’s wrong, make a plan to address the issue in the kindest and most loving way first, set boundaries so that they aren’t disrespecting you or other members of the family, and apologize for where you went wrong. This is only the beginning, but at least it is a start.
If you would like additional information about dating violence then consider reviewing the book entitled: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate written by a young woman who had survived her abuser.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
How to Know Your Mate is Abusive
When a woman first meets a man she doesn't know his upbringing, the company he keeps, what he likes to do in his spare time and most of all whether he has a disease or not. She can only make a determination of the man's character initially by how he looks, his mannerisms, what he says and how he treats her and the people around them. As she becomes increasingly more interested in him, she begins to trust him and will gradually let her "guard down". She will buy him gifts, offer to help him with cooking and housework, impress his family and friends and take part in his interests. While she is growing a fondness for him, he may be ready to have a relationship with her, but struggle with a dark past in the process.
What is in this man's dark past that the woman is not aware? For some men, it is a pattern of abusive behaviors toward women. It may have started when he witnessed his mother being beat by his dad, a live-in boyfriend or someone else. There may have been a time that a woman sexually abused him. Other instances of abuse could have occurred to him by a controlling mother or some other female authority. Whoever or whatever the situation, the man is aware that he exhibits inappropriate behavior with women, but no matter how hard he tries he can't seem to stop. This man may have prayed, visited the local church, talked with friends, read books, saw a counselor, took drugs, etc. but for whatever reason he just can't seem to break the cycle. This unsuspecting new mate doesn't know what she is about to experience with this man unless she recognizes the signs early and gets out permanently.
Every relationship starts off similar to what was described in the beginning of this article. No one really knows what they are getting themselves into until later, but in time the darkness comes to light and it is up to the woman to get out of the relationship as quickly, safely and peacefully as possible. The signs don't always show up right away. When people who have not had similar experiences make comments such as, "Why didn't you see the signs?" or "Why did you stay?" Some women may have turned a blind eye to those signs, been too busy to really notice, felt comfortable with him because a relative or friend did similar things or simply didn't care because they didn't want to date anyone else.
The following is a list of signs to watch out for early in the relationship to determine whether the man has abusive tendencies or has abused women in the past.
Someone tells you or he admits that he has hit women in the past.
He refers to all women he has dated in the past with derogatory terms. He may also refer to his mother using such terms as well.
An extensive collection of pornography and videotapes some of which are violent. He may try to tempt you into trying sexual acts that go against your better judgment. If you object, he may threaten to do them with someone else.
He tells you of abuse he has witnessed or has been a part of toward women. When asked if he has ever sought counseling, he says, "No, I never felt I needed it." He may feel guilty about it and promise that he won't do it to you.
Finds fault with all your family and friends once you have confided in him about them or he has met them. Later, he will use what he knows against you in an argument. (More details on this in point 10.)
Shows up unannounced at your job, home, or places you visit (may lead to stalking). May offer to take you to any of these places on a daily basis so that you may grow dependent on him.
Calls you often wanting to know your plans and in some cases you may have already told him, but he may be checking to see if your story has changed. He expects you to call him wherever you go and will become angry if you don't.
He doesn't like who he is and makes regular references about himself as being "stupid," "ugly," "dumb," and asks you, "Why do you want to be with me?" He will also resort to name calling whether he is arguing with you or "just being funny."
He attempts to control money you have earned and abuses possessions that you have acquired. He often asks for financial assistance, takes over your car and tells you how you should conduct your household. He may encourage you to live with him so that he can further control you.
He threatens to commit suicide when you try to break up with him.
He threatens to kill you over anything from wanting to end the relationship to talking to other men.
When you object to negative behavior he has done in the relationship such as mention he is cheating, caught him in a lie, hold him accountable to a promise, etc. he pushes, shoves, kicks, bites, chokes, grabs, or performs any action such as these to control you. (Note: some men may not do any of this, but will use mental abuse such as place blame - make you feel as if you are going crazy, use sensitive stories you have shared with him to belittle or degrade you, talk negatively about your family and friends to make you feel as if you have no support system.)
When he is angry with you he keeps you in a room with no access to a phone. He may lock you in the room.
If he doesn't like how you are acting around others whether it is being too friendly, talkative or affectionate, he will make false accusations to insight an argument so that he has an excuse to verbally or physically assault you. His attempt is to get you to "behave." Another attempt at controlling you. For many women this tactic works over time, particularly if you are dependent on him financially and/or physically.
When you want to visit with a friend, go out to the movies or some other past time, he oftentimes vehemently objects or he uses tactics to make you feel guilty so that you will stay home.
He will try to convince you that he is sorry for what he has done and will never do it again, only to do it again, and again.
Every man who has a history of abusing women knows the kind of mental struggles they contend with behind closed doors. Recalling when a female authority figure such as their mother was abused or his self. They remember how devastating it was to witness and/or experience such violent behavior during their childhood. Yet, some men rather than handle the pain positively, will encourage the hate they have toward women, using them for their own desires and then abusing them when they don't comply. Without mental help, some men will emulate the male mentors that were around them. If they witnessed a man they looked up to hurt women, then they may do the same things. This is one of the main reasons why women must remove their children out of abusive relationship Many children will only repeat, later in life, what they see.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship and people are calling you crazy for putting up with him, read Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, written by Nicholl McGuire. The book can be found at Amazon.com, Borders.com or Target.com
What is in this man's dark past that the woman is not aware? For some men, it is a pattern of abusive behaviors toward women. It may have started when he witnessed his mother being beat by his dad, a live-in boyfriend or someone else. There may have been a time that a woman sexually abused him. Other instances of abuse could have occurred to him by a controlling mother or some other female authority. Whoever or whatever the situation, the man is aware that he exhibits inappropriate behavior with women, but no matter how hard he tries he can't seem to stop. This man may have prayed, visited the local church, talked with friends, read books, saw a counselor, took drugs, etc. but for whatever reason he just can't seem to break the cycle. This unsuspecting new mate doesn't know what she is about to experience with this man unless she recognizes the signs early and gets out permanently.
Every relationship starts off similar to what was described in the beginning of this article. No one really knows what they are getting themselves into until later, but in time the darkness comes to light and it is up to the woman to get out of the relationship as quickly, safely and peacefully as possible. The signs don't always show up right away. When people who have not had similar experiences make comments such as, "Why didn't you see the signs?" or "Why did you stay?" Some women may have turned a blind eye to those signs, been too busy to really notice, felt comfortable with him because a relative or friend did similar things or simply didn't care because they didn't want to date anyone else.
The following is a list of signs to watch out for early in the relationship to determine whether the man has abusive tendencies or has abused women in the past.
Someone tells you or he admits that he has hit women in the past.
He refers to all women he has dated in the past with derogatory terms. He may also refer to his mother using such terms as well.
An extensive collection of pornography and videotapes some of which are violent. He may try to tempt you into trying sexual acts that go against your better judgment. If you object, he may threaten to do them with someone else.
He tells you of abuse he has witnessed or has been a part of toward women. When asked if he has ever sought counseling, he says, "No, I never felt I needed it." He may feel guilty about it and promise that he won't do it to you.
Finds fault with all your family and friends once you have confided in him about them or he has met them. Later, he will use what he knows against you in an argument. (More details on this in point 10.)
Shows up unannounced at your job, home, or places you visit (may lead to stalking). May offer to take you to any of these places on a daily basis so that you may grow dependent on him.
Calls you often wanting to know your plans and in some cases you may have already told him, but he may be checking to see if your story has changed. He expects you to call him wherever you go and will become angry if you don't.
He doesn't like who he is and makes regular references about himself as being "stupid," "ugly," "dumb," and asks you, "Why do you want to be with me?" He will also resort to name calling whether he is arguing with you or "just being funny."
He attempts to control money you have earned and abuses possessions that you have acquired. He often asks for financial assistance, takes over your car and tells you how you should conduct your household. He may encourage you to live with him so that he can further control you.
He threatens to commit suicide when you try to break up with him.
He threatens to kill you over anything from wanting to end the relationship to talking to other men.
When you object to negative behavior he has done in the relationship such as mention he is cheating, caught him in a lie, hold him accountable to a promise, etc. he pushes, shoves, kicks, bites, chokes, grabs, or performs any action such as these to control you. (Note: some men may not do any of this, but will use mental abuse such as place blame - make you feel as if you are going crazy, use sensitive stories you have shared with him to belittle or degrade you, talk negatively about your family and friends to make you feel as if you have no support system.)
When he is angry with you he keeps you in a room with no access to a phone. He may lock you in the room.
If he doesn't like how you are acting around others whether it is being too friendly, talkative or affectionate, he will make false accusations to insight an argument so that he has an excuse to verbally or physically assault you. His attempt is to get you to "behave." Another attempt at controlling you. For many women this tactic works over time, particularly if you are dependent on him financially and/or physically.
When you want to visit with a friend, go out to the movies or some other past time, he oftentimes vehemently objects or he uses tactics to make you feel guilty so that you will stay home.
He will try to convince you that he is sorry for what he has done and will never do it again, only to do it again, and again.
Every man who has a history of abusing women knows the kind of mental struggles they contend with behind closed doors. Recalling when a female authority figure such as their mother was abused or his self. They remember how devastating it was to witness and/or experience such violent behavior during their childhood. Yet, some men rather than handle the pain positively, will encourage the hate they have toward women, using them for their own desires and then abusing them when they don't comply. Without mental help, some men will emulate the male mentors that were around them. If they witnessed a man they looked up to hurt women, then they may do the same things. This is one of the main reasons why women must remove their children out of abusive relationship Many children will only repeat, later in life, what they see.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship and people are calling you crazy for putting up with him, read Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, written by Nicholl McGuire. The book can be found at Amazon.com, Borders.com or Target.com
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