Why Being Passive Hurts Relationships

Someone has said or did something offensive to you regarding your family or those that you work with, and instead of addressing the issues, you avoid talking about them hoping that they would all just go away and that everyone would just get along. Well, this isn’t an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and in the end your show will be called Everybody Hates Raymond if you don’t start solving problems. If you feel you are guilty of this sort of behavior, then this article was written for you.

For the purpose of this article, we will define passive as receiving or enduring without resistance, according to the Webster’s New Ideal Dictionary. When was the last time you received a problem that needed to be solved and you either passed it on to someone else or ignored it? Have you ever been placed in a situation where you had to stand up for your beliefs or defend someone else, but backed down because you didn’t want to face any possible negative repercussions for speaking out?

No one wants to be put in a negative situation, but sometimes we are in one whether we like it or not. We hope that the situation can be resolved with the least amount of confrontation, but oftentimes this is not the case. When you decide that you will “let it go, talk about it later,” or advise those around you “to keep quiet,” you may be causing what appears to be a little problem grow into a larger one. Take for instance, you are told that your mother has insulted the parents of your spouse. Your spouse comes to you with a list of offenses and requests you address these issues with your mother. You may do one of two things: say you will have a talk with your mother or you will become offended and tell your spouse how his or her parents are always troublemaking. Now if you choose to discuss your mother’s behavior with her, you will want to get everyone’s version of the story first, before advising your mother on her behavior. Now let’s say that what your mother did was really bad and unfortunately true, will you be firm with your mother about her actions, participate in your mother’s gossip session of how unreasonable your spouse’s relatives can be or avoid talking about the incident altogether?

The passive person will try to get out of talking about the incident or bring it up in such a way that when the conversation is all done; he or she will have made all parties involved feel as if nothing was accomplished. The passive person may also return to whoever was offended with lies or excuses designed to make the offended or the offender feel at ease. Later, the same problem will come up again and it is then that the person offended will realize their passive spouse, relative, or friend really didn’t handle matters. The offended will feel as if the passive person just isn’t on his or her side, have his or her back or experience some other feeling of disloyalty.

Why do passive people behave in fearful ways when addressing concerns? Because most are people pleasers. They want everyone to be happy and they want to be liked by all. This type of behavior can be dangerous. It has led to couples breaking up, people losing their jobs, children growing up to be adults out of control, relatives fighting, strangers being harmed and friendships ending.

Passive people are also silent communicators. They don’t know how to use their verbal skills in a crisis. They feel that whatever they say may not be heard, rejected, or misunderstood, so they rather not say anything. Their silence on important matters can make them appear to be not trustworthy, weak, and/or disloyal to others. These negative traits they would very much not want to be associated are now used to describe their personality. Further, their silence on important matters that have caused problems in their personal or professional lives can give those around them the appearance that everything is okay which gives the troublemaker license to cause more problems. Continuing a friendship with negative people without addressing issues, will later backfire on the passive person and those associated with him or her. Once this happens, passive people will want to blame everyone else for their problems instead of themselves. This blame is just another distraction to keep them from handling the conflict. For example, your co-worker tells the boss he doesn’t like the way things are being handled in the office and mentions you feel the same way, rather than acknowledging the co-workers complaints and stating you are upset about how things are being handled as well, you deny ever discussing your grievances with him or her and quickly apologize to the boss for your co-workers outburst. It is easier to apologize for someone’s else’s justified anger to make yourself appear as if you are a peacemaker, rather than confront the issue.

Some passive people think they are being wise by not getting involved in other’s problems. However, when the problem is no longer someone else’s issues, but affects the passive person and his or her family. He or she will have to make right a wrong by explaining how the offender has said or done something that has caused ill feelings. Avoiding “the talk” will only send the message to the offender that he or she doesn’t care, fears him or her, or doesn’t know how to communicate.

Passive people may be very good at handling matters at work, but when it comes to handling family matters they are confused. Some passive people are tigers in the office and kittens at home. Children can smell this weak behavior a mile away and will capitalize on it to get what they want. There is nothing okay about allowing a child to get what they want when they want. The real world will not bow down to your child, so to protect them from harm by others, passive parents should learn how to be more assertive and teach their children they are not a doormat to be used, abused or misused.

Some passive people tend to build a private world around themselves that provides no room for change. New friends, hobbies or family events can be too much for a passive person who doesn’t want to deal with conflict if it should arise. They may reason that to have a new friend, hobby, or attend a family event, may cause one more problem in their life they don’t need, so they keep any opportunity to relate with others at a distance.

Controlling people know passive people are by their very nature kind-hearted people who try to protect themselves and others’ feelings from being hurt, so they take advantage of them. These negative and/or miserable people say and do what they want knowing that Mr. Nice Guy or Gal won’t speak up.

Passive people will have to learn how to fight for what is right by speaking loud and clear, reminding those with more controlling temperaments and louder voices that they cannot be bullied.

Nicholl McGuire
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