You might only have one chance to make the right not write impression.

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Why Being Passive Hurts Relationships

Someone has said or did something offensive to you regarding your family or those that you work with, and instead of addressing the issues, you avoid talking about them hoping that they would all just go away and that everyone would just get along. Well, this isn’t an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and in the end your show will be called Everybody Hates Raymond if you don’t start solving problems. If you feel you are guilty of this sort of behavior, then this article was written for you.

For the purpose of this article, we will define passive as receiving or enduring without resistance, according to the Webster’s New Ideal Dictionary. When was the last time you received a problem that needed to be solved and you either passed it on to someone else or ignored it? Have you ever been placed in a situation where you had to stand up for your beliefs or defend someone else, but backed down because you didn’t want to face any possible negative repercussions for speaking out?

No one wants to be put in a negative situation, but sometimes we are in one whether we like it or not. We hope that the situation can be resolved with the least amount of confrontation, but oftentimes this is not the case. When you decide that you will “let it go, talk about it later,” or advise those around you “to keep quiet,” you may be causing what appears to be a little problem grow into a larger one. Take for instance, you are told that your mother has insulted the parents of your spouse. Your spouse comes to you with a list of offenses and requests you address these issues with your mother. You may do one of two things: say you will have a talk with your mother or you will become offended and tell your spouse how his or her parents are always troublemaking. Now if you choose to discuss your mother’s behavior with her, you will want to get everyone’s version of the story first, before advising your mother on her behavior. Now let’s say that what your mother did was really bad and unfortunately true, will you be firm with your mother about her actions, participate in your mother’s gossip session of how unreasonable your spouse’s relatives can be or avoid talking about the incident altogether?

The passive person will try to get out of talking about the incident or bring it up in such a way that when the conversation is all done; he or she will have made all parties involved feel as if nothing was accomplished. The passive person may also return to whoever was offended with lies or excuses designed to make the offended or the offender feel at ease. Later, the same problem will come up again and it is then that the person offended will realize their passive spouse, relative, or friend really didn’t handle matters. The offended will feel as if the passive person just isn’t on his or her side, have his or her back or experience some other feeling of disloyalty.

Why do passive people behave in fearful ways when addressing concerns? Because most are people pleasers. They want everyone to be happy and they want to be liked by all. This type of behavior can be dangerous. It has led to couples breaking up, people losing their jobs, children growing up to be adults out of control, relatives fighting, strangers being harmed and friendships ending.

Passive people are also silent communicators. They don’t know how to use their verbal skills in a crisis. They feel that whatever they say may not be heard, rejected, or misunderstood, so they rather not say anything. Their silence on important matters can make them appear to be not trustworthy, weak, and/or disloyal to others. These negative traits they would very much not want to be associated are now used to describe their personality. Further, their silence on important matters that have caused problems in their personal or professional lives can give those around them the appearance that everything is okay which gives the troublemaker license to cause more problems. Continuing a friendship with negative people without addressing issues, will later backfire on the passive person and those associated with him or her. Once this happens, passive people will want to blame everyone else for their problems instead of themselves. This blame is just another distraction to keep them from handling the conflict. For example, your co-worker tells the boss he doesn’t like the way things are being handled in the office and mentions you feel the same way, rather than acknowledging the co-workers complaints and stating you are upset about how things are being handled as well, you deny ever discussing your grievances with him or her and quickly apologize to the boss for your co-workers outburst. It is easier to apologize for someone’s else’s justified anger to make yourself appear as if you are a peacemaker, rather than confront the issue.

Some passive people think they are being wise by not getting involved in other’s problems. However, when the problem is no longer someone else’s issues, but affects the passive person and his or her family. He or she will have to make right a wrong by explaining how the offender has said or done something that has caused ill feelings. Avoiding “the talk” will only send the message to the offender that he or she doesn’t care, fears him or her, or doesn’t know how to communicate.

Passive people may be very good at handling matters at work, but when it comes to handling family matters they are confused. Some passive people are tigers in the office and kittens at home. Children can smell this weak behavior a mile away and will capitalize on it to get what they want. There is nothing okay about allowing a child to get what they want when they want. The real world will not bow down to your child, so to protect them from harm by others, passive parents should learn how to be more assertive and teach their children they are not a doormat to be used, abused or misused.

Some passive people tend to build a private world around themselves that provides no room for change. New friends, hobbies or family events can be too much for a passive person who doesn’t want to deal with conflict if it should arise. They may reason that to have a new friend, hobby, or attend a family event, may cause one more problem in their life they don’t need, so they keep any opportunity to relate with others at a distance.

Controlling people know passive people are by their very nature kind-hearted people who try to protect themselves and others’ feelings from being hurt, so they take advantage of them. These negative and/or miserable people say and do what they want knowing that Mr. Nice Guy or Gal won’t speak up.

Passive people will have to learn how to fight for what is right by speaking loud and clear, reminding those with more controlling temperaments and louder voices that they cannot be bullied.

Nicholl McGuire
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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

How to Know Your Mate is Abusive

When a woman first meets a man she doesn't know his upbringing, the company he keeps, what he likes to do in his spare time and most of all whether he has a disease or not. She can only make a determination of the man's character initially by how he looks, his mannerisms, what he says and how he treats her and the people around them. As she becomes increasingly more interested in him, she begins to trust him and will gradually let her "guard down". She will buy him gifts, offer to help him with cooking and housework, impress his family and friends and take part in his interests. While she is growing a fondness for him, he may be ready to have a relationship with her, but struggle with a dark past in the process.

What is in this man's dark past that the woman is not aware? For some men, it is a pattern of abusive behaviors toward women. It may have started when he witnessed his mother being beat by his dad, a live-in boyfriend or someone else. There may have been a time that a woman sexually abused him. Other instances of abuse could have occurred to him by a controlling mother or some other female authority. Whoever or whatever the situation, the man is aware that he exhibits inappropriate behavior with women, but no matter how hard he tries he can't seem to stop. This man may have prayed, visited the local church, talked with friends, read books, saw a counselor, took drugs, etc. but for whatever reason he just can't seem to break the cycle. This unsuspecting new mate doesn't know what she is about to experience with this man unless she recognizes the signs early and gets out permanently.

Every relationship starts off similar to what was described in the beginning of this article. No one really knows what they are getting themselves into until later, but in time the darkness comes to light and it is up to the woman to get out of the relationship as quickly, safely and peacefully as possible. The signs don't always show up right away. When people who have not had similar experiences make comments such as, "Why didn't you see the signs?" or "Why did you stay?" Some women may have turned a blind eye to those signs, been too busy to really notice, felt comfortable with him because a relative or friend did similar things or simply didn't care because they didn't want to date anyone else.

The following is a list of signs to watch out for early in the relationship to determine whether the man has abusive tendencies or has abused women in the past.

Someone tells you or he admits that he has hit women in the past.

He refers to all women he has dated in the past with derogatory terms. He may also refer to his mother using such terms as well.

An extensive collection of pornography and videotapes some of which are violent. He may try to tempt you into trying sexual acts that go against your better judgment. If you object, he may threaten to do them with someone else.

He tells you of abuse he has witnessed or has been a part of toward women. When asked if he has ever sought counseling, he says, "No, I never felt I needed it." He may feel guilty about it and promise that he won't do it to you.

Finds fault with all your family and friends once you have confided in him about them or he has met them. Later, he will use what he knows against you in an argument. (More details on this in point 10.)

Shows up unannounced at your job, home, or places you visit (may lead to stalking). May offer to take you to any of these places on a daily basis so that you may grow dependent on him.

Calls you often wanting to know your plans and in some cases you may have already told him, but he may be checking to see if your story has changed. He expects you to call him wherever you go and will become angry if you don't.

He doesn't like who he is and makes regular references about himself as being "stupid," "ugly," "dumb," and asks you, "Why do you want to be with me?" He will also resort to name calling whether he is arguing with you or "just being funny."

He attempts to control money you have earned and abuses possessions that you have acquired. He often asks for financial assistance, takes over your car and tells you how you should conduct your household. He may encourage you to live with him so that he can further control you.

He threatens to commit suicide when you try to break up with him.

He threatens to kill you over anything from wanting to end the relationship to talking to other men.

When you object to negative behavior he has done in the relationship such as mention he is cheating, caught him in a lie, hold him accountable to a promise, etc. he pushes, shoves, kicks, bites, chokes, grabs, or performs any action such as these to control you. (Note: some men may not do any of this, but will use mental abuse such as place blame - make you feel as if you are going crazy, use sensitive stories you have shared with him to belittle or degrade you, talk negatively about your family and friends to make you feel as if you have no support system.)

When he is angry with you he keeps you in a room with no access to a phone. He may lock you in the room.

If he doesn't like how you are acting around others whether it is being too friendly, talkative or affectionate, he will make false accusations to insight an argument so that he has an excuse to verbally or physically assault you. His attempt is to get you to "behave." Another attempt at controlling you. For many women this tactic works over time, particularly if you are dependent on him financially and/or physically.

When you want to visit with a friend, go out to the movies or some other past time, he oftentimes vehemently objects or he uses tactics to make you feel guilty so that you will stay home.

He will try to convince you that he is sorry for what he has done and will never do it again, only to do it again, and again.


Every man who has a history of abusing women knows the kind of mental struggles they contend with behind closed doors. Recalling when a female authority figure such as their mother was abused or his self. They remember how devastating it was to witness and/or experience such violent behavior during their childhood. Yet, some men rather than handle the pain positively, will encourage the hate they have toward women, using them for their own desires and then abusing them when they don't comply. Without mental help, some men will emulate the male mentors that were around them. If they witnessed a man they looked up to hurt women, then they may do the same things. This is one of the main reasons why women must remove their children out of abusive relationship Many children will only repeat, later in life, what they see.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship and people are calling you crazy for putting up with him, read Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, written by Nicholl McGuire. The book can be found at Amazon.com, Borders.com or Target.com

12 Ways to be Happy During Your Financial Storm

Back in the good ole' days, you had money to splurge, friends came around often and everyone seemed to be happy for you. Yet, one day, something happened to turn your finances upside down and now all you can do is think of how to get yourself out of this mess. It seems as if the financial storm is lasting longer than the financial sunshine, so what do you do? How do you get past the sadness, frustration, anger and confusion?

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The following suggestions may help you cope and if you choose to use them, your storm may not last for long. (As we all know storms don't last for always.)

Put whatever change you have aside from spending money and begin to save. As crazy as it may seem, saving during a financial crisis will provide you with the hope that you need to get out of your situation.

Don't talk to everyone about your being "broke" or "poor," this doesn't help you with keeping a positive attitude. Family members can become negatively affected as well if all you do is complain about your money woes. Research online or in your local newspaper for a free event or activity to keep you and your family's mind off all your financial responsibilities.

Take the time to right down short term and long-term financial goals. Read articles abut the things you hope to accomplish, this way when you do have the money, you will be educated enough to make the right decisions.

Don't lend money when you know you can't afford to. As nice as it may seem, it is probably what aided your financial storm. Always think of you first.

Find everything and anything on sale, use coupons when you can, and most of all avoid impulse buying. Save receipts so that you can keep track on where your money is going and how you may be able to cut costs even more. Go to stores that double coupons and offer free clubs to join.

Stay away from credit cards at this time. Why dig a hole deeper for yourself when you are trying to climb out of it?

Be sure to define what exactly is a financial emergency, if you have alternative ways to get to work, why pay for high price gas? If you have leftovers in the refrigerator, then why pay for lunch?

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Walk around your home looking for items you don't need, whether you sell them or give them away, they will be a blessing to someone and as you know good things will come back to you when you believe.

Surround your atmosphere with the things that made you successful in your past. Take out your prized moments and display them on the wall. This creates an atmosphere of positive thinking. Then add to your d├ęcor the things that you hope to achieve. For example, post a photo of the trip you always wanted to take, the clothes you enjoy buying and list a charity you would like to give to. Once the money comes in, make your dreams a reality.

Take a break from gift-giving, instead make phone calls or email. You don't know whose heart you may touch with saying the right words, rather than buying the rights gifts.

In all thy giving, expect to receive. No matter what positive things you have done in the past, present or future, someone will do something nice for you, it may not always be monetarily, but whatever it may be, it will be good for your heart.

Most of all, if you have a faith, pray that God will provide you with the wisdom to save, invest and obtain money legally and joyfully. Too often people will look at their situation in a negative light and that only attracts more negativity.

Nicholl McGuire
http://www.twitter.com/homerevenue.com

How to Become a Mentor with a Heart of Gold: What Every Network Marketer Should Know

Another door slams, after an hour in a half of yelling, some of you are growing weary of trying to convince someone you love that the problem they are having with you is their problem. However, if you sit quietly and truly think about what is it about you that annoys them, they will be right and you will be wrong. This scenario is what seems to happen in the end with multi-level marketing businesses.

Someone brings you into a "slam bam thank you maam" relationship and when you call them out on it, they want to silently argue with you by simply not being available or answering you with useful information. Eventually you fall, because no one wanted to be in a long-term committed relationship with you they just wanted to take from you. You have now found an opportunity that makes you a mentor and you don't want to be taken advantage of or take advantage of others.

In order to do this, you must make a note to yourself that you are in the business for a long-lasting relationship and if you are not, then find another business such as direct marketing. With direct marketing, making a profit is your number one priority. The following tips will assist you with analyzing yourself and communicating with your affiliate or members of your team.

Feel free to utilize these tips in other areas of your life.
The most important quality a mentor must have is to be a good listener. When someone comes to you with a desire, a concern, an idea, don't start talking about yourself and what you would or would not do; instead interview them.

Find out how did they come up with the idea, what is his or her concern or where did their desire come from? A mentor, teacher, coach and counselor are one in the same. They are supposed to be servants to society-available to help those in need. They are not to criticize, humiliate, belittle or "talk down." Don't sell your affiliates on products; rather allow them to open their heart to you, later you provide the help, not the other way around.

Be people friendly. Learn how to relate to people from all walks of life on their level. Ask questions about their hopes, dreams, family and reason(s) why they would like to work with your organization. Tell them to post their "why" for joining the business somewhere in their home that they can see everyday. If they can't do this simple task, this is a clear indication they are simply not ready to be taught-move on...don't grab them by both hands and plead for them to stay.

Don't let money be your driving motivation for being a mentor. Yes, you need the money, but that is your reward for helping others be successful. Change your thinking while you're mentoring, tell yourself, "I will be available to someone today, not I am going to make $100 today or I am going to recruit three people."

Tell the affiliate the truth about yourself, why you do what you do. Share your experiences with the business. If there were obstacles, how did you overcome? How are you making money and what are you doing with the money you obtain (Re-investing it back into the business? Saving money for your children's education? Buying a new house? Helping grandma? Tithing?)

Be sure the person you are mentoring understands every facet of the business. Many people don't ask questions or the right ones, put your self in their shoes. Right down all the questions you would have asked about the business when you first joined and have comprehensive answers. Sometimes it is better to forewarn the one you are mentoring of the complications or confusions others may have had with the business and if they run into similar problems, remind them that you are available to assist them.

When you notice a problem with the organization or your affiliate questions things that appear to be "shady," address it with leaders. Don't find excuses to cover problems up when talking to your affiliates. Let them know you are concerned and have spoken to leadership about it. Follow-up with leadership to find out if anything has been done about the concern and notify your team about the changes. Praise your affiliate for making you aware.

Surround yourself with positive people that support what you are doing and encourage your team to do the same. Tell them who they choose to speak to about their goals will make a positive or negative difference in how they view the business. Some people will appear to support them, while others will find excuses not to.

When your team comes to you seeming as if they do not want to be a part of the business, although they are successful at it, be concerned and ask, more like remind them of why they joined. Refer to the note that they were supposed to have posted somewhere in their home listing why they felt they needed to join.

Some affiliates may talk about how lucky another person is and mention they wish they were more like Jane Doe or John Smith, ask he or she, "How are you managing to get to know more people?" It isn't how lucky a person may be; it is how many people, places and/or things he or she may be involved in to bring them that so-called luck.

For instance, if a person who hits a million dollar lottery played only once and won, we could consider that a super natural miracle, but what if someone else won for a few million, chances are they have been playing for years all sorts of lotteries spending thousands. The wider you extend your network, the better your results. Luck isn't random.

The last tip defines the various personality types you are mentoring. If they are very much into their family and friends, then they are caring and you will have no problem explaining to them why it's so important to build a relationship with people in network marketing. However, if you find that the person you are mentoring isn't really buying into relating with people and more concerned with making sales, you may want to remind them of the pros and cons of having that kind of attitude.

Then there is the detailed oriented person who asks many questions. Answer them with clear statements and provide illustrations. You will need to remind them often to get started, because at times thinkers can over think and get nothing done.

As for the fun people, they are open to anything, you just have to stay interesting and keep them going by allowing them to be creative; however, you will have to tell them about the rules in the business, because if you don't they may get you and the whole team in trouble.