It's 2009! Another new year brings about change, for some good, for others bad. But whatever the case, it's all good. Because through change, people have a choice they can either learn from it or be beaten by it! I prefer to accept it and grow from whatever change that may come my way!
You see, I saw and learned alot in 2008. Some of which I never had to face and I learned who was my friend and who was my foe. For years, I thought that people would come through for me when I needed them most since I had a track record with some that said, "I can count on Nicky." But I was wrong and I am glad that change made me take off my rose-colored glasses and face reality.
So I am sharing a little bit of wisdom with you that I learned the hard way.
Being a good friend or relative, doesn't mean you have to share everything including your money and time. I thought that if I rearranged my schedule to accomodate folks that somehow it would keep them from talking about me. People are going to talk about you no matter what you do, so I have learned not to go above and beyond, do what you are most comfortable doing, plain and simple!
Don't allow others to dictate how you should behave. For example, if you don't have the money or time to return a favor, despite what others say, you can't do it. So be honest with yourself and others and just make a mental note that the person who anticipates that you will be able to do something for them will give you a hard time if you should ever need them for something. I usually pray for these people and God makes them my footstool.
Be encouraged even when those around you aren't. There will be those people who will tell you everything that is wrong with your life and will not say one thing that will make you feel encouraged. Don't rely on their comments to build you up; instead, look toward your faith, a stranger, read about how others make themselves happy, or seek out friendship with people who will help you see the positive within you.
These are just a few tips on the wisdom that 2008 brought me. For more articles by me related to relationships, family, health, and money, Click Here
You might only have one chance to make the right not write impression.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Are Secrets Destroying Your Relationship? What to Do About Them.
Someone knows something about you that you don’t want your partner to know. You know you should have told him or her by now; but you don’t want to because you fear what he or she may think of you if they knew the truth, so you continue to lie or don’t say anything at all.
It may have been a scar on your body that you lied about, an experience that you told them but left out the details, or something that you did in the past that you regret. Whatever the secret, if it is killing your peace, stealing your joy, or destroying your relationship, then it is something that has to be said and you will just have to deal with the consequences as they come up.
People lie out of fear and they make up excuses when they don’t want to bother with the truth. “I told you this lie, because I was scared you would break up with me.” The reality is that a person will more likely break up with you because you didn’t just come out with the truth and kept the lie going. It is never too late to tell the truth, but if and when you do, prepare yourself for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Too many people have a false hope when it comes to a secret-- the hope that no one will ever find out about it. But as we see someone always finds out as long as there is someone living to talk about it or evidence circulating about it. That is why in the movies the snitch is murdered and the object of discussion is destroyed. But such drastic measures need not happen when the truth is told right from the very beginning. There is a way to tell the truth and relieve your conscience without saying anything and the following information will help you do just that.
Some people will purposely leave information behind so that someone else tells what happens. Others will tell a big mouth in the hopes that they will tell whoever needs to be told or they may write an anonymous letter. Strangers can be some secretive people’s best friends by being there to listen. They are able to find the peace they need when they confide in someone who isn’t involved and doesn’t know them.
Another way to tell your truth is by leaving circumstances and events open to question. For example, you can tell just enough about an incident and leave it open to interpretation usually leaning toward the truth. The person listening can read between the lines if they are smart enough. If it is too embarrassing even for them, they may have learned of the secret, but never say a word. I think of media outlets like the National Enquirer, they wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t some celebrity’s assistant, family member or friend feeding them with secrets. Who knows maybe this is why many celebrities don’t bother to sue, because they know it all isn’t a lie?
You may be giving yourself a hard time about someone finding out about your secret or maybe someone else is giving you stress about someone finding out, but if it is killing what matters the most to you then rid yourself of it and try using some of the ways that were explained to you. Because if you don’t, you will find yourself creating more lies to cover up lies.
Once you have made up in your mind how you will expose your secret, have thought about all of the consequences as a result, go ahead and show or tell your truth. Just like a teacher assigns a child a “show and tell” assignment in school, you will have to be prepared to show or tell your secret. Avoid the temptation to lie again and if you find yourself doing it, tell the person, “I’m sorry, let me try this again…this is what I really meant…no what I just said is incorrect…” If you fear the person may act violent, don’t be around when they find out your secret. If you rely on the person for food, money, and shelter then wait until you have these things before you tell them anything. You don’t want to be put out on the street. If you have children with this person, be sure you know what to do if they should threaten to take your children away from you because of the secret. If you know you have done or said something that may help in a criminal investigation then be sure to have a support system around you such as a lawyer, clergy, and family.
There are those secrets that may be related to employment. If so, don’t say anything unless you have another job. You don’t want to do the right thing and then find that you are without a job. Exposing a secret has to be well thought out, timed appropriately and all options must be exhausted. People get into heaps of trouble when they don’t consider who may get hurt and what may happen as a result of exposing a secret that affects them or someone else.
When you expose a secret that is bringing you or someone you love much pain and grief, you will feel a peace in spite of the consequences. You will wonder what took you so long. In time, you will find that you are acting different. There will be those bouts that you will wish you had never said anything, but then you will remember the peace of having finally told. Even if you don’t feel comfortable in your decision initially, think of the person who may be helped as a result. Of course, if you have told lies to cover up your secret, you will have to earn their trust again.
Think of the many people who have told their stories of sexual and physical abuse, things they saw, what they heard and how their stories helped so many including themselves. If we all kept everything to ourselves and said nothing, then we would all die with broken hearts having helped no one. I thank God for those people who came before me and shared their terrible secrets, if it wasn’t for their courage, I would have never been able to face my own challenges.
Sometimes when people carry secrets they may not realize that what is so important to them may not matter to the person who loves them. If someone truly loves you, then they will walk through the fire with you. If you look at the benefit of having a secret and eventually tell it, you will find that it is a test on whether or not a relationship was meant to be. If this person who claims that they love you can’t handle a little secret, then what makes you think they will be able to handle even bigger challenges in the future? You may have to re-evaluate whether you want this person to continue to be a part of your life.
Finally, there are those secrets that don’t help anyone and those are better left being buried with you when you die.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
It may have been a scar on your body that you lied about, an experience that you told them but left out the details, or something that you did in the past that you regret. Whatever the secret, if it is killing your peace, stealing your joy, or destroying your relationship, then it is something that has to be said and you will just have to deal with the consequences as they come up.
People lie out of fear and they make up excuses when they don’t want to bother with the truth. “I told you this lie, because I was scared you would break up with me.” The reality is that a person will more likely break up with you because you didn’t just come out with the truth and kept the lie going. It is never too late to tell the truth, but if and when you do, prepare yourself for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Too many people have a false hope when it comes to a secret-- the hope that no one will ever find out about it. But as we see someone always finds out as long as there is someone living to talk about it or evidence circulating about it. That is why in the movies the snitch is murdered and the object of discussion is destroyed. But such drastic measures need not happen when the truth is told right from the very beginning. There is a way to tell the truth and relieve your conscience without saying anything and the following information will help you do just that.
Some people will purposely leave information behind so that someone else tells what happens. Others will tell a big mouth in the hopes that they will tell whoever needs to be told or they may write an anonymous letter. Strangers can be some secretive people’s best friends by being there to listen. They are able to find the peace they need when they confide in someone who isn’t involved and doesn’t know them.
Another way to tell your truth is by leaving circumstances and events open to question. For example, you can tell just enough about an incident and leave it open to interpretation usually leaning toward the truth. The person listening can read between the lines if they are smart enough. If it is too embarrassing even for them, they may have learned of the secret, but never say a word. I think of media outlets like the National Enquirer, they wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t some celebrity’s assistant, family member or friend feeding them with secrets. Who knows maybe this is why many celebrities don’t bother to sue, because they know it all isn’t a lie?
You may be giving yourself a hard time about someone finding out about your secret or maybe someone else is giving you stress about someone finding out, but if it is killing what matters the most to you then rid yourself of it and try using some of the ways that were explained to you. Because if you don’t, you will find yourself creating more lies to cover up lies.
Once you have made up in your mind how you will expose your secret, have thought about all of the consequences as a result, go ahead and show or tell your truth. Just like a teacher assigns a child a “show and tell” assignment in school, you will have to be prepared to show or tell your secret. Avoid the temptation to lie again and if you find yourself doing it, tell the person, “I’m sorry, let me try this again…this is what I really meant…no what I just said is incorrect…” If you fear the person may act violent, don’t be around when they find out your secret. If you rely on the person for food, money, and shelter then wait until you have these things before you tell them anything. You don’t want to be put out on the street. If you have children with this person, be sure you know what to do if they should threaten to take your children away from you because of the secret. If you know you have done or said something that may help in a criminal investigation then be sure to have a support system around you such as a lawyer, clergy, and family.
There are those secrets that may be related to employment. If so, don’t say anything unless you have another job. You don’t want to do the right thing and then find that you are without a job. Exposing a secret has to be well thought out, timed appropriately and all options must be exhausted. People get into heaps of trouble when they don’t consider who may get hurt and what may happen as a result of exposing a secret that affects them or someone else.
When you expose a secret that is bringing you or someone you love much pain and grief, you will feel a peace in spite of the consequences. You will wonder what took you so long. In time, you will find that you are acting different. There will be those bouts that you will wish you had never said anything, but then you will remember the peace of having finally told. Even if you don’t feel comfortable in your decision initially, think of the person who may be helped as a result. Of course, if you have told lies to cover up your secret, you will have to earn their trust again.
Think of the many people who have told their stories of sexual and physical abuse, things they saw, what they heard and how their stories helped so many including themselves. If we all kept everything to ourselves and said nothing, then we would all die with broken hearts having helped no one. I thank God for those people who came before me and shared their terrible secrets, if it wasn’t for their courage, I would have never been able to face my own challenges.
Sometimes when people carry secrets they may not realize that what is so important to them may not matter to the person who loves them. If someone truly loves you, then they will walk through the fire with you. If you look at the benefit of having a secret and eventually tell it, you will find that it is a test on whether or not a relationship was meant to be. If this person who claims that they love you can’t handle a little secret, then what makes you think they will be able to handle even bigger challenges in the future? You may have to re-evaluate whether you want this person to continue to be a part of your life.
Finally, there are those secrets that don’t help anyone and those are better left being buried with you when you die.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
Friday, October 31, 2008
10 Internet & Email Dating Tips
The following tips will help you with your quest to find someone who is right for you online.
1. When reviewing the photos of people on social networking sites, be sure that you don't pick someone who is seen in all his or her photographs smiling with their mouth closed, wearing a hat, sitting down, wearing an unusual amount of makeup, or standing behind someone or something. This person is obviously trying to cover up their hidden flaws. They may be balding, obese or very short, have terrible looking teeth, covering up birthmarks, freckles or pimples or they may have some kind of handicap.
2. If you should find someone who has done this in all there photographs, ask them in your email to send you a recent photo. Now he or she may not have one, but give them enough time to get one taken. If they are always coming up with an excuse, move on.
3. Don't rush to ask for phone numbers. If you find that you are anxious to speak to this person over the phone, think about why. Is it because you haven't had sex in awhile, you are just curious about his or her voice, and/or he or she is saying all the right things in their emails? Whatever the case, write as much as you like until you are comfortable with the answers you are receiving and that you honestly care for this person. (If they seem as if they are putting you off, not responding to email in a timely manner or answering all emails with little or no detail, move on.)
4. Be sure when you are writing your first emails to them that you aren't getting "too serious". Don't get into your desires of being married and having children right away or writing a history of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Jane, Mary and Tina who ever broke your heart. Find out what their likes and dislikes are, what they enjoy doing daily, where do they like to go, what kind of hobbies they love, how do they feel about their job, family, and friends. In later emails, you may want to bring up the serious topics in such a way that would not make them run for the border. For instance, when asking about a mental condition, you may say that you read somewhere how most mental illnesses are genetic and that you found out from a friend that he is bipolar (don't make up a lie, but use a true case.) Do they know of anyone who has suffered from the disease?
5. Don't forget to spell check your emails. Many educated people who can spell well, frown at emails that are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Be sure to read over what you write aloud. This helps when you are trying to find out if you communicated your point well.
6. There is no set time on how long you email back and fourth, so don't set a limit of how long you will do it. He or she may have other email pals or gals, but don't let that push you to ask for a date sooner rather than later. Sometimes those other email pals or gals are in a rush to meet and then ultimately hang themselves being disrespectful, pushy, lying, cheating etc. It is better to play the best friend or confidante role to get what you want long term rather than the one night stand.
7. Remember in your emails to acknowledge birthdays and other holidays. Ask about family and friends by name (if you know any.) It makes the receiver feel like you have been thinking about them and sincerely care.
8. When he or she feels like they can trust you, you may want to send them something special in the mail. Reassure them that you wouldn't surprise them on their job or at home, but that you just want to send them something nice. If they aren't ready to share their address, don't take it personal just say, "Maybe next time."
9. Now that you have survived the email relationship, you may want to ask for that all important date. Start the email off by saying how much you enjoyed writing, but you would like to exchange phone numbers. If they say no, be patient, at least you know that they will be thinking about it. The reason why it is a big deal for some people is they feel if they talk with you on the phone that eventually it will lead to something more and if they aren't ready they don't want to lead you on.
10. When you set up the date, time and meeting place, be sure to leave a note in your apartment and tell someone close to you where you will be going. Better yet, if you can have someone at your home to take a photo of the two of you or glance at the license plate of his or her vehicle, you will be playing it safe.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
1. When reviewing the photos of people on social networking sites, be sure that you don't pick someone who is seen in all his or her photographs smiling with their mouth closed, wearing a hat, sitting down, wearing an unusual amount of makeup, or standing behind someone or something. This person is obviously trying to cover up their hidden flaws. They may be balding, obese or very short, have terrible looking teeth, covering up birthmarks, freckles or pimples or they may have some kind of handicap.
2. If you should find someone who has done this in all there photographs, ask them in your email to send you a recent photo. Now he or she may not have one, but give them enough time to get one taken. If they are always coming up with an excuse, move on.
3. Don't rush to ask for phone numbers. If you find that you are anxious to speak to this person over the phone, think about why. Is it because you haven't had sex in awhile, you are just curious about his or her voice, and/or he or she is saying all the right things in their emails? Whatever the case, write as much as you like until you are comfortable with the answers you are receiving and that you honestly care for this person. (If they seem as if they are putting you off, not responding to email in a timely manner or answering all emails with little or no detail, move on.)
4. Be sure when you are writing your first emails to them that you aren't getting "too serious". Don't get into your desires of being married and having children right away or writing a history of every Tom, Dick and Harry or Jane, Mary and Tina who ever broke your heart. Find out what their likes and dislikes are, what they enjoy doing daily, where do they like to go, what kind of hobbies they love, how do they feel about their job, family, and friends. In later emails, you may want to bring up the serious topics in such a way that would not make them run for the border. For instance, when asking about a mental condition, you may say that you read somewhere how most mental illnesses are genetic and that you found out from a friend that he is bipolar (don't make up a lie, but use a true case.) Do they know of anyone who has suffered from the disease?
5. Don't forget to spell check your emails. Many educated people who can spell well, frown at emails that are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. Be sure to read over what you write aloud. This helps when you are trying to find out if you communicated your point well.
6. There is no set time on how long you email back and fourth, so don't set a limit of how long you will do it. He or she may have other email pals or gals, but don't let that push you to ask for a date sooner rather than later. Sometimes those other email pals or gals are in a rush to meet and then ultimately hang themselves being disrespectful, pushy, lying, cheating etc. It is better to play the best friend or confidante role to get what you want long term rather than the one night stand.
7. Remember in your emails to acknowledge birthdays and other holidays. Ask about family and friends by name (if you know any.) It makes the receiver feel like you have been thinking about them and sincerely care.
8. When he or she feels like they can trust you, you may want to send them something special in the mail. Reassure them that you wouldn't surprise them on their job or at home, but that you just want to send them something nice. If they aren't ready to share their address, don't take it personal just say, "Maybe next time."
9. Now that you have survived the email relationship, you may want to ask for that all important date. Start the email off by saying how much you enjoyed writing, but you would like to exchange phone numbers. If they say no, be patient, at least you know that they will be thinking about it. The reason why it is a big deal for some people is they feel if they talk with you on the phone that eventually it will lead to something more and if they aren't ready they don't want to lead you on.
10. When you set up the date, time and meeting place, be sure to leave a note in your apartment and tell someone close to you where you will be going. Better yet, if you can have someone at your home to take a photo of the two of you or glance at the license plate of his or her vehicle, you will be playing it safe.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
Thursday, October 16, 2008
How Do You Know Your Boyfriend is Lying to You?
Whether you are in a new relationship or still trying to figure out an old one, chances are you either have been lied to or suspect your mate is lying to you again, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this article. To determine whether your mate is being honest with you the next time you question him or her, you will want to pay attention to the following signs. Although these clues may vary with some people, they are very popular with most liars.
Let's begin with one common tactic used by liars. You have approached him or her with a question followed by proof. He or she is obviously upset that you found out the truth. They will look for reasons to find faults with you also known as shifting blame. "Well if you hadn't went through my things we wouldn't be arguing? It's because of your insecurity is why I did what I did."
A softer tactic a liar will use to get off the hot seat is the all important phone call, meeting, or some other event. "Can this wait? I really have to go." In addition, they may even throw in a quick, "You know I love you and you are the only one for me."
Other distractions are touching, making jokes, coming up with a sudden emergency, or making up similar excuses to get away from you, so that it allows them time to assess the situation and come up with another lie to cover up the one you just found out.
Liars will easily become defensive by accusing you of "wanting to pick a fight" or another good one "What's with all the questions?" This is another attempt to buy some time to come up with a good story.
The wild, wide-eyed look is a great Kodak moment. They are trying to figure out what all do you really know. They are obviously in shock that you were smart enough to figure out their lie.
Bill Clinton used this next one. It's called "deny everything." Deny you were there, said it, or did it, and anything else you can deny. The liar's goal is to make you feel as if you are crazy and second-guess what you thought you heard or saw. Don't try to talk yourself out of what you know, he or she is guilty. Listen to your gut.
Liars feel like you are attacking them when you ask probing questions, so they will attack back. "Where were you last week when I called? Do I ask you about the people you talk to on the phone?" They may even call you a name or two just to get you off their back.
Without proof, what's the use in asking a liar questions, right? Maybe you don't want to reveal how you found out at least not at that moment. If you tell him or her that you can prove they are lying, they will encourage you to show your proof. The liar would like to call your bluff. When they see you are not bluffing, be prepared to hear another lie. They will discredit the proof or ask you how you got your information. Don't ever tell them exactly how you got anything! If you intend to stay with them a little while longer, you will want to follow up on a later date to see if they have developed a new habit like telling the truth. The liar will be more careful next time if you reveal all your secrets.
Some liars will have a quirky smile on their face. It isn't meant to be positive, it's really a frown turned upside down-a look of getting caught. Following the smile, the eyes will drop to the floor or look away from you.
There is the all-important pause after the question was asked or the "I didn't hear you" act. There is nothing wrong with his or her hearing; they heard you the first time. They just need the time to think like with all the other tactics. While they are pausing as they speak, watch how the eyes are looking away or down to the floor again, thinking of "What should I say?"
In summary, when a liar has been busted. Remember to first watch the facial expression. Facial muscles will either tense up or drop. The look is sorrowful or sad. Then gradually his or her mood will become angry. For temperamental people they will skip feeling sad and go right into the emotional anger outburst. Next, the liar will find an excuse to avoid talking about it further. They will not want to look at your face; instead they look down or away from you. The liar will make up a story to cover up the lie told. Some liars will tell only part of the truth and later come back asking for your forgiveness. Liars will want to try to make up immediately. From sex to gift giving, whatever makes you happy. Lastly, they will promise they won't do it again. However, old habits die hard so expect to be lied to again until they grow tired of getting busted.
Here's where many people who find out they have been lied to make mistakes. They continue to act as if everything is okay after the confrontation. In the beginning, you may have been angry, sad, or tearful, but you got over it and acted as if all was forgotten. You never held them accountable for their actions, nor did you follow up to see if he or she is telling you the truth. You are sold on their promises to never do it again.
Some victims of liars become obsessed with finding out more information and begin to nag their mates about everything. The key to healing is to know what you will do if they do it again. Give he or she the benefit of the doubt, but protect your heart by not being so trusting. If you don't have peace in the relationship, it will turn into a vicious cycle of break up to make up. Do you really want that circus in your life? If you know there is no hope for change, don't stick around. However, if you know there is some hope, then forgive and try to forget by not bringing their fault back up to them. Liars will confide in the one who they cheated with, a friend or family member with some of your relationship problems, but they will not tell them the whole story. Eventually when you have had enough of the endless cycle of make up to break up over lies, you will be sending him or her their walking papers. Although you may or may not ever find out the whole truth, whatever you do, embrace what you have found out and use it to set you free.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
Let's begin with one common tactic used by liars. You have approached him or her with a question followed by proof. He or she is obviously upset that you found out the truth. They will look for reasons to find faults with you also known as shifting blame. "Well if you hadn't went through my things we wouldn't be arguing? It's because of your insecurity is why I did what I did."
A softer tactic a liar will use to get off the hot seat is the all important phone call, meeting, or some other event. "Can this wait? I really have to go." In addition, they may even throw in a quick, "You know I love you and you are the only one for me."
Other distractions are touching, making jokes, coming up with a sudden emergency, or making up similar excuses to get away from you, so that it allows them time to assess the situation and come up with another lie to cover up the one you just found out.
Liars will easily become defensive by accusing you of "wanting to pick a fight" or another good one "What's with all the questions?" This is another attempt to buy some time to come up with a good story.
The wild, wide-eyed look is a great Kodak moment. They are trying to figure out what all do you really know. They are obviously in shock that you were smart enough to figure out their lie.
Bill Clinton used this next one. It's called "deny everything." Deny you were there, said it, or did it, and anything else you can deny. The liar's goal is to make you feel as if you are crazy and second-guess what you thought you heard or saw. Don't try to talk yourself out of what you know, he or she is guilty. Listen to your gut.
Liars feel like you are attacking them when you ask probing questions, so they will attack back. "Where were you last week when I called? Do I ask you about the people you talk to on the phone?" They may even call you a name or two just to get you off their back.
Without proof, what's the use in asking a liar questions, right? Maybe you don't want to reveal how you found out at least not at that moment. If you tell him or her that you can prove they are lying, they will encourage you to show your proof. The liar would like to call your bluff. When they see you are not bluffing, be prepared to hear another lie. They will discredit the proof or ask you how you got your information. Don't ever tell them exactly how you got anything! If you intend to stay with them a little while longer, you will want to follow up on a later date to see if they have developed a new habit like telling the truth. The liar will be more careful next time if you reveal all your secrets.
Some liars will have a quirky smile on their face. It isn't meant to be positive, it's really a frown turned upside down-a look of getting caught. Following the smile, the eyes will drop to the floor or look away from you.
There is the all-important pause after the question was asked or the "I didn't hear you" act. There is nothing wrong with his or her hearing; they heard you the first time. They just need the time to think like with all the other tactics. While they are pausing as they speak, watch how the eyes are looking away or down to the floor again, thinking of "What should I say?"
In summary, when a liar has been busted. Remember to first watch the facial expression. Facial muscles will either tense up or drop. The look is sorrowful or sad. Then gradually his or her mood will become angry. For temperamental people they will skip feeling sad and go right into the emotional anger outburst. Next, the liar will find an excuse to avoid talking about it further. They will not want to look at your face; instead they look down or away from you. The liar will make up a story to cover up the lie told. Some liars will tell only part of the truth and later come back asking for your forgiveness. Liars will want to try to make up immediately. From sex to gift giving, whatever makes you happy. Lastly, they will promise they won't do it again. However, old habits die hard so expect to be lied to again until they grow tired of getting busted.
Here's where many people who find out they have been lied to make mistakes. They continue to act as if everything is okay after the confrontation. In the beginning, you may have been angry, sad, or tearful, but you got over it and acted as if all was forgotten. You never held them accountable for their actions, nor did you follow up to see if he or she is telling you the truth. You are sold on their promises to never do it again.
Some victims of liars become obsessed with finding out more information and begin to nag their mates about everything. The key to healing is to know what you will do if they do it again. Give he or she the benefit of the doubt, but protect your heart by not being so trusting. If you don't have peace in the relationship, it will turn into a vicious cycle of break up to make up. Do you really want that circus in your life? If you know there is no hope for change, don't stick around. However, if you know there is some hope, then forgive and try to forget by not bringing their fault back up to them. Liars will confide in the one who they cheated with, a friend or family member with some of your relationship problems, but they will not tell them the whole story. Eventually when you have had enough of the endless cycle of make up to break up over lies, you will be sending him or her their walking papers. Although you may or may not ever find out the whole truth, whatever you do, embrace what you have found out and use it to set you free.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
How to Deal with Your In-Laws When They Have Offended You
They have said or done something that is nagging at your heart, those in-laws! "How dare they say that? Who do they think they are? If I wasn't a Christian, I would beat their...?" In-laws you don't live with them; therefore, you can do without them, right? Too often spouses give their in-laws far too much power, right? So what they are your husband's, wife's, boyfriend's, girlfriend's or significant other's family right? Wrong. What you say or do to them will ultimately affect how your mate sees you. If your mate never had a close relationship with his or her family, then you are safe, but as for the other mates who are somewhat close, very close, or too close for comfort with their family, you will have to handle conflicts with the in-laws carefully.
Depending on what the offense was you will need to be certain that it is worth explaining to your man or woman about how they made you feel. When you open up to your mate or his or her family about your feelings, you could be setting yourself up for ridicule, giving them power to misconstrue words that you have said, or even worse having to defend why you feel the way that you do.
The best advice when dealing with your in-laws' offenses initially is to keep quiet. Stay quiet until your temperament is under control and you are ready for any negative remarks, attitudes, or other behaviors that may further add insult to injury made by your in-laws. Later you may want to address issues, but how you do it comes later in this article. It is easier said then done to be quiet on offensive behavior, but if you don't want the battle of words or fists with the in-laws don't fall into their trap. What trap might they be setting you may ask?
Well depending on how serious the offense was and you know the in-laws may not like you, they could be looking for a bit of information they could later use against you when you don't guard your feelings. In-laws have a way of making you feel at ease and comfortable. They invite you to events, offer to help you with projects, or tell you to call them anytime hoping for a tidbit of information about their son or daughter's life. For instance, let's say you were upset with your spouse one day and decided to confide in your brother-in-law about his always being at the local bar, maybe his brother was unaware.
If your brother-in-law doesn't know how to converse with his brother in a way that communicates "hanging out at the local bar isn't good for your family," but says "your wife was complaining to me the other day about your being at the local bar," chances are your husband would blow up about you talking with his brother about him. If your brother-in-law doesn't like you, he could very well use this as a way to cause difficulty in your relationship. Think of an example you may have dealt with in the past that caused conflict with your in-laws. Do you feel you handled the situation in the best way possible and are you at peace with your silence about it? If your not, then speaking up about offenses is the next piece of advice.
When you feel there is no other alternative then to speak up on matters that you are offended, be polite, yet firm about your views. No matter how your spouse or in-laws try to soften their actions, make excuses, or say things to get you off track, stick to the topic of conversation. You are entitled to express your feelings, it may help you or it may cause you to become angry or distant. Whatever your emotion you experience, know that in time your peace will come and if you have a faith you know God will avenge for their offenses. Be sure that you come out a winner by returning a phone call when you are ready, being respectful by avoiding name calling, cursing or yelling. However, if you feel you need to change your pitch in your voice to show that you are upset, so be it, but don't overdo it.
Most of all, before you approach your in-laws discuss what you are going to say to your spouse. Phone conversations should be recorded and email should be saved for sensitive issues that you feel they may lie about or make you look like the bad guy in the eyes of your mate. It's unfortunate that you have to resort to such measures, but if your relationship to your spouse means anything to you and you feel your mate is seeing their negative behaviors through rose-colored glasses, then do it. Yet, some mates no matter what you say or do to prove that their family is more harmful than good, will still take their side, if so, you will seriously need to evaluate how your mate's action or inaction is affecting your relationship.
No one likes anyone from the outside looking in telling them about their family. Be prepared for your spouse to overreact to what you have said about his or her family or make excuses for them. When they have a history with their family, they tend to know all too well what their family is capable of doing, but refuse to admit to it. For others, they may not know how to deal with conflict when it comes to family issues. You will need to know if you have the type of mate who runs from conflict and waits for you to sort things out with the in-laws or the kind of man or woman who knows what is going on in the family, talks with them about issues, but leaves you in the dark. Either spouse is responsible for their family and it is up to you to remind him or her to deal with the issues and update you on what he or she said so that you can be prepared for any backlash, otherwise he or she will have to deal with an unhappy life with you.
Now every matter that comes up with the in-laws is not worth raising with your spouse. For instance, if it is an issue that has nothing to do with you or your children, don't say a word. It isn't worth commenting on, offering advice or anything else when you know the in-laws don't like you. Why set yourself up for being talked about by them when you could have stayed out of the limelight? For instance, why offer to help them with their problems or go out of your way to buy them things when you know they don't appreciate you being with their daughter or son?
Think of all of those people in movies and in real life who go over to the in-laws' home and make a point to look and act their best. They speak when spoken to and let their husband or wife do all the talking. Some of the best daughter and son-in-laws are the ones who don't come around their wife's and husband's family often. They know that familiarity breeds contempt. You will have to learn enough about the family to know how to balance the visits from knowing when to stay home. However, remember that with some families you are damned when you do and damned when you don't.
The next time a conflict arises with the in-laws involving you, put the conflict in your husband's or wife's hands and let them deal with it. Don't bother to discuss the issue with his or her side of the family until they have assured you that they have handled it. You will know that the conflict has been put to rest when the in-laws start behaving different than the way they did with you before the problem arose. In some cases, they may even act worse. If they do, talk with your spouse about it and try to distance yourself from them. No one should have to put up with verbal, non-verbal, or physical abuse from anyone no matter what good deeds they have done for you and your family in the past.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
Depending on what the offense was you will need to be certain that it is worth explaining to your man or woman about how they made you feel. When you open up to your mate or his or her family about your feelings, you could be setting yourself up for ridicule, giving them power to misconstrue words that you have said, or even worse having to defend why you feel the way that you do.
The best advice when dealing with your in-laws' offenses initially is to keep quiet. Stay quiet until your temperament is under control and you are ready for any negative remarks, attitudes, or other behaviors that may further add insult to injury made by your in-laws. Later you may want to address issues, but how you do it comes later in this article. It is easier said then done to be quiet on offensive behavior, but if you don't want the battle of words or fists with the in-laws don't fall into their trap. What trap might they be setting you may ask?
Well depending on how serious the offense was and you know the in-laws may not like you, they could be looking for a bit of information they could later use against you when you don't guard your feelings. In-laws have a way of making you feel at ease and comfortable. They invite you to events, offer to help you with projects, or tell you to call them anytime hoping for a tidbit of information about their son or daughter's life. For instance, let's say you were upset with your spouse one day and decided to confide in your brother-in-law about his always being at the local bar, maybe his brother was unaware.
If your brother-in-law doesn't know how to converse with his brother in a way that communicates "hanging out at the local bar isn't good for your family," but says "your wife was complaining to me the other day about your being at the local bar," chances are your husband would blow up about you talking with his brother about him. If your brother-in-law doesn't like you, he could very well use this as a way to cause difficulty in your relationship. Think of an example you may have dealt with in the past that caused conflict with your in-laws. Do you feel you handled the situation in the best way possible and are you at peace with your silence about it? If your not, then speaking up about offenses is the next piece of advice.
When you feel there is no other alternative then to speak up on matters that you are offended, be polite, yet firm about your views. No matter how your spouse or in-laws try to soften their actions, make excuses, or say things to get you off track, stick to the topic of conversation. You are entitled to express your feelings, it may help you or it may cause you to become angry or distant. Whatever your emotion you experience, know that in time your peace will come and if you have a faith you know God will avenge for their offenses. Be sure that you come out a winner by returning a phone call when you are ready, being respectful by avoiding name calling, cursing or yelling. However, if you feel you need to change your pitch in your voice to show that you are upset, so be it, but don't overdo it.
Most of all, before you approach your in-laws discuss what you are going to say to your spouse. Phone conversations should be recorded and email should be saved for sensitive issues that you feel they may lie about or make you look like the bad guy in the eyes of your mate. It's unfortunate that you have to resort to such measures, but if your relationship to your spouse means anything to you and you feel your mate is seeing their negative behaviors through rose-colored glasses, then do it. Yet, some mates no matter what you say or do to prove that their family is more harmful than good, will still take their side, if so, you will seriously need to evaluate how your mate's action or inaction is affecting your relationship.
No one likes anyone from the outside looking in telling them about their family. Be prepared for your spouse to overreact to what you have said about his or her family or make excuses for them. When they have a history with their family, they tend to know all too well what their family is capable of doing, but refuse to admit to it. For others, they may not know how to deal with conflict when it comes to family issues. You will need to know if you have the type of mate who runs from conflict and waits for you to sort things out with the in-laws or the kind of man or woman who knows what is going on in the family, talks with them about issues, but leaves you in the dark. Either spouse is responsible for their family and it is up to you to remind him or her to deal with the issues and update you on what he or she said so that you can be prepared for any backlash, otherwise he or she will have to deal with an unhappy life with you.
Now every matter that comes up with the in-laws is not worth raising with your spouse. For instance, if it is an issue that has nothing to do with you or your children, don't say a word. It isn't worth commenting on, offering advice or anything else when you know the in-laws don't like you. Why set yourself up for being talked about by them when you could have stayed out of the limelight? For instance, why offer to help them with their problems or go out of your way to buy them things when you know they don't appreciate you being with their daughter or son?
Think of all of those people in movies and in real life who go over to the in-laws' home and make a point to look and act their best. They speak when spoken to and let their husband or wife do all the talking. Some of the best daughter and son-in-laws are the ones who don't come around their wife's and husband's family often. They know that familiarity breeds contempt. You will have to learn enough about the family to know how to balance the visits from knowing when to stay home. However, remember that with some families you are damned when you do and damned when you don't.
The next time a conflict arises with the in-laws involving you, put the conflict in your husband's or wife's hands and let them deal with it. Don't bother to discuss the issue with his or her side of the family until they have assured you that they have handled it. You will know that the conflict has been put to rest when the in-laws start behaving different than the way they did with you before the problem arose. In some cases, they may even act worse. If they do, talk with your spouse about it and try to distance yourself from them. No one should have to put up with verbal, non-verbal, or physical abuse from anyone no matter what good deeds they have done for you and your family in the past.
Nicholl McGuire writes for numerous websites, feel free to learn more about her services and connect here at Nicholl McGuire Media
Monday, October 13, 2008
How to Avoid Insecure Women Friends: Beautiful People with Low Self-Esteem
"You were destined to be great! Beautiful, smart, unique, talented and you will never have a problem getting your foot in anyone's door!" Some of you may have received similar compliments from well-meaning family, friends and strangers. You may know this about yourself, so you may take it like a grain of salt. However, some of you may not know this, and that is why this article is being written. Beautiful people with low self-esteem are targets for some unattractive people who are insecure. They hope to befriend you to get what they want! Hence, the expression, beauty can be a blessing and a curse.
Over the years you may have been friends with the ugly guy, the fat girl, the boy with the acne, the girl with the freckles and everyone else in between. Back when you were in elementary and high school you may not have thought too much about these people other than the fact that they were teased and you pitied them. You may have been one of the ugly ducklings that grew up to be a beautiful swan. With all that said, you may not have realized how attractive you were until the guys started telling you how nice looking you were and the girls around you started acting envious. Now if you were use to hanging out with the not-so attractive crowd, the attention you were receiving from people could have been a turn off or a turn on, but lurking underneath it all you knew you had secretly struggled with your own self-esteem. Years later you still struggle.
While you think you are not pretty to the rest of the world, the ugly people know different and that is why some of those annoying, jealous, and insecure women have been approaching you over the years. For the purpose of this article let's define ugly as you see it. Physically not appealing, bad personality, loud mouth, angry whatever you consider to be unattractive. Now you mustn't confuse the ugly woman with the unattractive women who have no problem with their self-esteem, but are simply looking for a good friend. The sincerely good-hearted, unattractive woman will not seem desperate, annoying or overbearing. She doesn't need you or what you have, she is confident in who she is and if anything, you may be able to benefit from her. This is not the type of woman this article references. However, the ugly woman on the inside and out is who this article is about and you know her. She is in your circle of friends and you are trying to get her out. She was your yesteryear's mistake, the one you befriended when you couldn't wait for the right friend to come along, similar to your past boyfriends, but that is another article.
The ugly woman knows what you are and how she can benefit from you even if you don't. She noticed you from afar like the man staring at you from a distance hoping to get your name and phone number. She invites herself into your personal space with a conversation starter. A simple complaint about something, a compliment on the way you look, a tidbit of office gossip, or other statements. You entertain her with a response and then over time you seem to bump into her where ever you go, at the office, where you live, at school, shopping or some event. (Now everyone you bump into isn't meant to be your friend as you have learned the hard way.) When the ugly woman sees you again, you may be with a relative, friend, your children or alone and now she has even more to talk about. "Oh this is your son. You must be the sister. Wow you must be the husband." At first her approach seems ordinary, matter of fact, nothing special, and you don't think twice about this insecure woman. Then she begins her requests of "let's do lunch, give me your phone number, I know a great place we could go to..." So you take her up on her offer and you find that she is a really nice person. You enjoy her company and she seems to enjoy you until...
She starts calling you too often, dropping by unannounced, showing up unexpectedly at places you frequent, and complimenting you far too many times than you can handle. "You are always dressed so nice. Your hair is so cute. Your figure is nice, I wish I was that small. You have a great shape. You are beautiful you can have any man you want." What started out as nice compliments have become overwhelming and you are beginning to question if this woman is sexually attracted to you, insecure, lonely, jealous and/or confused. Most likely, she is insecure. Think about how many times you went out with her and how many men looked at her as compared to you? When you showed up wearing something new what did her eyes say, not her mouth? What about when you ordered more food than she did at the restaurant, how did she react? When you offered to do some physical activity together like take a walk, did she object? How about when you bought her something nice or offered her money, how did she react to your gift? When she calls you on the phone and you are not available to answer her call, what does she say? How often does she contact you or visit? If your answer to any of these questions makes you feel uncomfortable, chances are you have an insecure woman in your life and sometimes these kind of women aren't easy to let go.
You may be growing tired of her and have told her in so many ways, yet she just doesn't seem to get the message. Other people may have noticed things about her that make them feel uncomfortable too. The "I don't want to be a b*tch" girl inside of you may have dismissed what they said by making excuses for her actions, "My friend is just lonely, she needs a friend. Look at her, she isn't that pretty, etc." However, while you are trying to justify her irrational, controlling behavior, she is growing weary of your friendship too, because she is no longer getting what she wants from you. Maybe she enjoyed riding in your car, wearing your clothes, shopping, talking long hours on the phone and more. She doesn't know how to let go of you either, so rather than retreat from the friendship she keeps it going.
If you are still ducking and dodging your "friend," then you are at an interesting place in your friendship with her. She may have found someone else to annoy who may know you. She begins to confide in this person about everything including what you have told her. She bad mouths you, says hurtful things about the way you look, how you speak or anything else that she may be envious about to this mutual friend. Her words travel back to you and now you are left angry, confused and bitter. "The audacity she would talk about me and allowed her ugly self into my life!" Well, if you would have took the time to notice the signs early on, she wouldn't be in your life, now would she? You could have broken up with her similar to the way you ended your relationships with past boyfriends. "I like you, but you are crowding my space. I think we should see other people." Remember those days? So why is it that women don't cut their losses with these insecure women friends? Because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Now look at whose feelings are hurt!? If there is anything you should remember from this article is watch the company you keep!
If you have reached this place in your so-called friendship with this insecure woman, that was your "out" in this friendship. The following are a list of other ways to handle the insecure women friends you have in your life and how to safeguard yourself from ones in the future.
Here's four points on how to handle the insecure women.
1) Don't invite them over to your home or any other place or event.
2) Avoid confrontation by telling them how you feel about the friendship over the phone.
3) Stop using them for anything you may or may not need such as companionship, food and other household products, car, childcare, money, employment, etc.
4) Don't introduce them to anymore of your family members or friends.
5) Gradually become distant. If you talked everyday, make it every other day for a week or two, then once a week and eventually no calls at all.
Here's how to safeguard yourself from an insecure woman.
1) Know what the two of you might have in common before you go out with them. For example, if she doesn't like to workout and you do, chances are she will grow envious of your body shape. If she doesn't dress nice in the public and you do, she may have a lot to say with her eyes or her mouth about the way you look.
2) Don't confide in her about any relationship problems you might be having with your mate.
3) Delay inviting her over your home to meet your family as long as you can until you feel comfortable you really know her. (She may have saw your man first before she saw you.)
4) Study the way she conducts herself in public and particularly around men. If she is a big flirt or tease and dresses provocatively, would you want her around your man and children?
5) Find out if she has other friends besides you. She will most likely give you signs she doesn't by how often you see her wherever the two of you first met.
6) Ask her about her hobbies such as watch TV, read, write, dance, workout, shop, etc. If she has none, keep away.
7) Talk to her about controversial things and watch her reaction. You will know right away if this is someone you can have an intelligent conversation.
8) Talk about general things such as family, children, employment and see if she can hold a conversation about these basic topics. If you find she doesn't have much to say and you are doing more talking, chances are she may have something to hide or may have some challenges about opening up to people. If she isn't looking for a therapist, don't offer your services.
Avoid feeling sorry for people. She may tell you about her tragic life story in one meeting or every time she sees you. If she seems to be so open about it, then she most likely used it with others to get what she wants. No the difference between a testimony and a sales pitch!
Nicholl McGuire writes articles for numerous websites, feel free to connect and learn more here.
Over the years you may have been friends with the ugly guy, the fat girl, the boy with the acne, the girl with the freckles and everyone else in between. Back when you were in elementary and high school you may not have thought too much about these people other than the fact that they were teased and you pitied them. You may have been one of the ugly ducklings that grew up to be a beautiful swan. With all that said, you may not have realized how attractive you were until the guys started telling you how nice looking you were and the girls around you started acting envious. Now if you were use to hanging out with the not-so attractive crowd, the attention you were receiving from people could have been a turn off or a turn on, but lurking underneath it all you knew you had secretly struggled with your own self-esteem. Years later you still struggle.
While you think you are not pretty to the rest of the world, the ugly people know different and that is why some of those annoying, jealous, and insecure women have been approaching you over the years. For the purpose of this article let's define ugly as you see it. Physically not appealing, bad personality, loud mouth, angry whatever you consider to be unattractive. Now you mustn't confuse the ugly woman with the unattractive women who have no problem with their self-esteem, but are simply looking for a good friend. The sincerely good-hearted, unattractive woman will not seem desperate, annoying or overbearing. She doesn't need you or what you have, she is confident in who she is and if anything, you may be able to benefit from her. This is not the type of woman this article references. However, the ugly woman on the inside and out is who this article is about and you know her. She is in your circle of friends and you are trying to get her out. She was your yesteryear's mistake, the one you befriended when you couldn't wait for the right friend to come along, similar to your past boyfriends, but that is another article.
The ugly woman knows what you are and how she can benefit from you even if you don't. She noticed you from afar like the man staring at you from a distance hoping to get your name and phone number. She invites herself into your personal space with a conversation starter. A simple complaint about something, a compliment on the way you look, a tidbit of office gossip, or other statements. You entertain her with a response and then over time you seem to bump into her where ever you go, at the office, where you live, at school, shopping or some event. (Now everyone you bump into isn't meant to be your friend as you have learned the hard way.) When the ugly woman sees you again, you may be with a relative, friend, your children or alone and now she has even more to talk about. "Oh this is your son. You must be the sister. Wow you must be the husband." At first her approach seems ordinary, matter of fact, nothing special, and you don't think twice about this insecure woman. Then she begins her requests of "let's do lunch, give me your phone number, I know a great place we could go to..." So you take her up on her offer and you find that she is a really nice person. You enjoy her company and she seems to enjoy you until...
She starts calling you too often, dropping by unannounced, showing up unexpectedly at places you frequent, and complimenting you far too many times than you can handle. "You are always dressed so nice. Your hair is so cute. Your figure is nice, I wish I was that small. You have a great shape. You are beautiful you can have any man you want." What started out as nice compliments have become overwhelming and you are beginning to question if this woman is sexually attracted to you, insecure, lonely, jealous and/or confused. Most likely, she is insecure. Think about how many times you went out with her and how many men looked at her as compared to you? When you showed up wearing something new what did her eyes say, not her mouth? What about when you ordered more food than she did at the restaurant, how did she react? When you offered to do some physical activity together like take a walk, did she object? How about when you bought her something nice or offered her money, how did she react to your gift? When she calls you on the phone and you are not available to answer her call, what does she say? How often does she contact you or visit? If your answer to any of these questions makes you feel uncomfortable, chances are you have an insecure woman in your life and sometimes these kind of women aren't easy to let go.
You may be growing tired of her and have told her in so many ways, yet she just doesn't seem to get the message. Other people may have noticed things about her that make them feel uncomfortable too. The "I don't want to be a b*tch" girl inside of you may have dismissed what they said by making excuses for her actions, "My friend is just lonely, she needs a friend. Look at her, she isn't that pretty, etc." However, while you are trying to justify her irrational, controlling behavior, she is growing weary of your friendship too, because she is no longer getting what she wants from you. Maybe she enjoyed riding in your car, wearing your clothes, shopping, talking long hours on the phone and more. She doesn't know how to let go of you either, so rather than retreat from the friendship she keeps it going.
If you are still ducking and dodging your "friend," then you are at an interesting place in your friendship with her. She may have found someone else to annoy who may know you. She begins to confide in this person about everything including what you have told her. She bad mouths you, says hurtful things about the way you look, how you speak or anything else that she may be envious about to this mutual friend. Her words travel back to you and now you are left angry, confused and bitter. "The audacity she would talk about me and allowed her ugly self into my life!" Well, if you would have took the time to notice the signs early on, she wouldn't be in your life, now would she? You could have broken up with her similar to the way you ended your relationships with past boyfriends. "I like you, but you are crowding my space. I think we should see other people." Remember those days? So why is it that women don't cut their losses with these insecure women friends? Because you don't want to hurt her feelings. Now look at whose feelings are hurt!? If there is anything you should remember from this article is watch the company you keep!
If you have reached this place in your so-called friendship with this insecure woman, that was your "out" in this friendship. The following are a list of other ways to handle the insecure women friends you have in your life and how to safeguard yourself from ones in the future.
Here's four points on how to handle the insecure women.
1) Don't invite them over to your home or any other place or event.
2) Avoid confrontation by telling them how you feel about the friendship over the phone.
3) Stop using them for anything you may or may not need such as companionship, food and other household products, car, childcare, money, employment, etc.
4) Don't introduce them to anymore of your family members or friends.
5) Gradually become distant. If you talked everyday, make it every other day for a week or two, then once a week and eventually no calls at all.
Here's how to safeguard yourself from an insecure woman.
1) Know what the two of you might have in common before you go out with them. For example, if she doesn't like to workout and you do, chances are she will grow envious of your body shape. If she doesn't dress nice in the public and you do, she may have a lot to say with her eyes or her mouth about the way you look.
2) Don't confide in her about any relationship problems you might be having with your mate.
3) Delay inviting her over your home to meet your family as long as you can until you feel comfortable you really know her. (She may have saw your man first before she saw you.)
4) Study the way she conducts herself in public and particularly around men. If she is a big flirt or tease and dresses provocatively, would you want her around your man and children?
5) Find out if she has other friends besides you. She will most likely give you signs she doesn't by how often you see her wherever the two of you first met.
6) Ask her about her hobbies such as watch TV, read, write, dance, workout, shop, etc. If she has none, keep away.
7) Talk to her about controversial things and watch her reaction. You will know right away if this is someone you can have an intelligent conversation.
8) Talk about general things such as family, children, employment and see if she can hold a conversation about these basic topics. If you find she doesn't have much to say and you are doing more talking, chances are she may have something to hide or may have some challenges about opening up to people. If she isn't looking for a therapist, don't offer your services.
Avoid feeling sorry for people. She may tell you about her tragic life story in one meeting or every time she sees you. If she seems to be so open about it, then she most likely used it with others to get what she wants. No the difference between a testimony and a sales pitch!
Nicholl McGuire writes articles for numerous websites, feel free to connect and learn more here.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
How Do You Know Your Child isn’t Dating Someone Who is Violent?
As a parent you tried to figure out what has been going on lately with your teenager or twenty something year old. You tried to make conversation with them, but they seemed annoyed. You asked them if everything was okay and they either told you that everything was or they started talking about the usual: job issues, money problems, health concerns or something else. But what could that “else” be? You already heard their stories many times before, but you still have that unsettling feeling in your stomach that they just aren’t telling you everything, until one day you have a fleeting thought, something they said or someone else told you or even worse they have a scar or bruise on their body. Just as you suspected it’s the new boyfriend or the girlfriend who is making your son or daughter act different toward you, and everyone else.
Your beloved child may have once confided in you when he or she was in trouble, but now they don’t feel comfortable telling you anything about his or her relationship for a number of reasons such as: feelings of fear and shame, their "undying" loyalty or love for their mate, personal social or religious beliefs, ignorance on what constitutes a good relationship, and/or denial that anything negative is happening.
Dating violence among adolescents is just as bad as domestic violence among adults. According to the Advocates for Youth website, “More than 20 percent of all adolescents report having experienced either psychological or physical violence from an intimate partner ...”
Dating violence is defined by the site as “...psychological or emotional violence, such as controlling behaviors or jealousy; physical violence, such as hitting or punching, and sexual violence such as nonconsensual sexual activity and rape.”
Some young people, in violent relationships, have been diagnosed with a mental illness before they became involved with their new partner and in the past have had suicidal thoughts or eating disorders. Others are recovering addicts of drug or alcohol abuse and victims of sexual abuse. Some children involved in these types of relationships have unresolved feelings about their parent's separation or divorce while others are still grieving over someone’s death. There are many other past situations that youth have experienced that cause them to feel as if they need to be involved in these violent relationships. You will need to think of what may have influenced your son or daughter's decision. Considering your child's history, their new mate may have entered into their life at what seemed to be the right time. He or she befriended them while they too, have been suffering with their own mental issues. An abusive mate now has the power to make the unsuspecting individual feel obligated to them, because they share something in common “they have been through the same thing;” therefore, the young adult will assume he or she “understands me” which couldn’t be further from the truth. So the young woman or man will tolerate their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s negative behavior toward them, followed by the ever-popular "I'm sorry" after they have repeatedly mistreated your child. Meanwhile, your son or daughter accepts the apology, feeling as if that is the right thing to do, despite their abuse. They learned this behavior ever since they were a child, "When you do something bad, you apologize," then what do parents do? They allow the injured child and the bully to go back and play together!
If your child seems to be involved with drinking, smoking, and/or fighting more than usual, chances are they are hiding from their problems. He or she may also begin or start back to thinking about committing suicide or stop taking prescribed medications. This all can be contributed to this new girlfriend or boyfriend’s negative influence over them.
When your suspicions have been proved correct, the first thing parents want to do is tell their children to leave their abusive mates. I can tell you from personal experience, that is the worse thing you can do when you know that you no longer have any influence over your child. When a rebellious child hears the word “don’t” in their mind, they translate it to “do.” Instead, make the time to talk with your child about your own personal struggles when relating to people and how you resolved matters. Be sure not to blatantly direct your story toward their behavior or choices, otherwise it becomes a sermon; instead of a simple conversation about life. You could also share with them books, websites, Cds, and movies on dating violence. However, don't go overboard with the products, it may be taken the wrong way, so choose one or two based on what their interest might be. For instance, you may notice they enjoy listening to Cds or reading books, then get a product on dating violence in these formats.
You may also want to encourage someone whom they respect and admire to take some time with them. Your child may be more likely to discuss with their favorite relative or friend their troubles. However, don’t count on it, because dating violence just like domestic violence, is not something that is easily shared. No one wants to be judged for the choices they make in life such as being called, “Stupid, crazy, dumb, or foolish.” Your child may be hearing enough of that from their partner.
Other things you can do as a kind, gentle, and caring parent is to be sure you don’t look like a hypocrite. Why is it that your child is running into the arms of an older man, a crazy girlfriend, or some wild, rude weirdo? Could it be because you did the same when you were younger and they heard about it while you tried to cover it up? How did you handle problems in your own relationship? What sort of things were you doing at home (saying, watching or reading) that may have influenced them at an early age? Were you or your partner overly strict parents who may not have been happy about being parents? The worse thing that parents can do when they evaluate themselves is to be in denial or become defensive. “I was never like…that didn‘t happen…I don‘t remember.” Children pay attention more to what you are doing than what you are saying. For parents who still want a relationship with their children, be true to yourself and encourage them to be better individuals by not talking behind their backs to people who can't help them, screaming at your child, or punishing them for things you have yet to understand. Find out what’s wrong, make a plan to address the issue in the kindest and most loving way first, set boundaries so that they aren’t disrespecting you or other members of the family, and apologize for where you went wrong. This is only the beginning, but at least it is a start.
If you would like additional information about dating violence then consider reviewing the book entitled: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate written by a young woman who had survived her abuser.
Your beloved child may have once confided in you when he or she was in trouble, but now they don’t feel comfortable telling you anything about his or her relationship for a number of reasons such as: feelings of fear and shame, their "undying" loyalty or love for their mate, personal social or religious beliefs, ignorance on what constitutes a good relationship, and/or denial that anything negative is happening.
Dating violence among adolescents is just as bad as domestic violence among adults. According to the Advocates for Youth website, “More than 20 percent of all adolescents report having experienced either psychological or physical violence from an intimate partner ...”
Dating violence is defined by the site as “...psychological or emotional violence, such as controlling behaviors or jealousy; physical violence, such as hitting or punching, and sexual violence such as nonconsensual sexual activity and rape.”
Some young people, in violent relationships, have been diagnosed with a mental illness before they became involved with their new partner and in the past have had suicidal thoughts or eating disorders. Others are recovering addicts of drug or alcohol abuse and victims of sexual abuse. Some children involved in these types of relationships have unresolved feelings about their parent's separation or divorce while others are still grieving over someone’s death. There are many other past situations that youth have experienced that cause them to feel as if they need to be involved in these violent relationships. You will need to think of what may have influenced your son or daughter's decision. Considering your child's history, their new mate may have entered into their life at what seemed to be the right time. He or she befriended them while they too, have been suffering with their own mental issues. An abusive mate now has the power to make the unsuspecting individual feel obligated to them, because they share something in common “they have been through the same thing;” therefore, the young adult will assume he or she “understands me” which couldn’t be further from the truth. So the young woman or man will tolerate their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s negative behavior toward them, followed by the ever-popular "I'm sorry" after they have repeatedly mistreated your child. Meanwhile, your son or daughter accepts the apology, feeling as if that is the right thing to do, despite their abuse. They learned this behavior ever since they were a child, "When you do something bad, you apologize," then what do parents do? They allow the injured child and the bully to go back and play together!
If your child seems to be involved with drinking, smoking, and/or fighting more than usual, chances are they are hiding from their problems. He or she may also begin or start back to thinking about committing suicide or stop taking prescribed medications. This all can be contributed to this new girlfriend or boyfriend’s negative influence over them.
When your suspicions have been proved correct, the first thing parents want to do is tell their children to leave their abusive mates. I can tell you from personal experience, that is the worse thing you can do when you know that you no longer have any influence over your child. When a rebellious child hears the word “don’t” in their mind, they translate it to “do.” Instead, make the time to talk with your child about your own personal struggles when relating to people and how you resolved matters. Be sure not to blatantly direct your story toward their behavior or choices, otherwise it becomes a sermon; instead of a simple conversation about life. You could also share with them books, websites, Cds, and movies on dating violence. However, don't go overboard with the products, it may be taken the wrong way, so choose one or two based on what their interest might be. For instance, you may notice they enjoy listening to Cds or reading books, then get a product on dating violence in these formats.
You may also want to encourage someone whom they respect and admire to take some time with them. Your child may be more likely to discuss with their favorite relative or friend their troubles. However, don’t count on it, because dating violence just like domestic violence, is not something that is easily shared. No one wants to be judged for the choices they make in life such as being called, “Stupid, crazy, dumb, or foolish.” Your child may be hearing enough of that from their partner.
Other things you can do as a kind, gentle, and caring parent is to be sure you don’t look like a hypocrite. Why is it that your child is running into the arms of an older man, a crazy girlfriend, or some wild, rude weirdo? Could it be because you did the same when you were younger and they heard about it while you tried to cover it up? How did you handle problems in your own relationship? What sort of things were you doing at home (saying, watching or reading) that may have influenced them at an early age? Were you or your partner overly strict parents who may not have been happy about being parents? The worse thing that parents can do when they evaluate themselves is to be in denial or become defensive. “I was never like…that didn‘t happen…I don‘t remember.” Children pay attention more to what you are doing than what you are saying. For parents who still want a relationship with their children, be true to yourself and encourage them to be better individuals by not talking behind their backs to people who can't help them, screaming at your child, or punishing them for things you have yet to understand. Find out what’s wrong, make a plan to address the issue in the kindest and most loving way first, set boundaries so that they aren’t disrespecting you or other members of the family, and apologize for where you went wrong. This is only the beginning, but at least it is a start.
If you would like additional information about dating violence then consider reviewing the book entitled: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate written by a young woman who had survived her abuser.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Why Being Passive Hurts Relationships
Someone has said or did something offensive to you regarding your family or those that you work with, and instead of addressing the issues, you avoid talking about them hoping that they would all just go away and that everyone would just get along. Well, this isn’t an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and in the end your show will be called Everybody Hates Raymond if you don’t start solving problems. If you feel you are guilty of this sort of behavior, then this article was written for you.
For the purpose of this article, we will define passive as receiving or enduring without resistance, according to the Webster’s New Ideal Dictionary. When was the last time you received a problem that needed to be solved and you either passed it on to someone else or ignored it? Have you ever been placed in a situation where you had to stand up for your beliefs or defend someone else, but backed down because you didn’t want to face any possible negative repercussions for speaking out?
No one wants to be put in a negative situation, but sometimes we are in one whether we like it or not. We hope that the situation can be resolved with the least amount of confrontation, but oftentimes this is not the case. When you decide that you will “let it go, talk about it later,” or advise those around you “to keep quiet,” you may be causing what appears to be a little problem grow into a larger one. Take for instance, you are told that your mother has insulted the parents of your spouse. Your spouse comes to you with a list of offenses and requests you address these issues with your mother. You may do one of two things: say you will have a talk with your mother or you will become offended and tell your spouse how his or her parents are always troublemaking. Now if you choose to discuss your mother’s behavior with her, you will want to get everyone’s version of the story first, before advising your mother on her behavior. Now let’s say that what your mother did was really bad and unfortunately true, will you be firm with your mother about her actions, participate in your mother’s gossip session of how unreasonable your spouse’s relatives can be or avoid talking about the incident altogether?
The passive person will try to get out of talking about the incident or bring it up in such a way that when the conversation is all done; he or she will have made all parties involved feel as if nothing was accomplished. The passive person may also return to whoever was offended with lies or excuses designed to make the offended or the offender feel at ease. Later, the same problem will come up again and it is then that the person offended will realize their passive spouse, relative, or friend really didn’t handle matters. The offended will feel as if the passive person just isn’t on his or her side, have his or her back or experience some other feeling of disloyalty.
Why do passive people behave in fearful ways when addressing concerns? Because most are people pleasers. They want everyone to be happy and they want to be liked by all. This type of behavior can be dangerous. It has led to couples breaking up, people losing their jobs, children growing up to be adults out of control, relatives fighting, strangers being harmed and friendships ending.
Passive people are also silent communicators. They don’t know how to use their verbal skills in a crisis. They feel that whatever they say may not be heard, rejected, or misunderstood, so they rather not say anything. Their silence on important matters can make them appear to be not trustworthy, weak, and/or disloyal to others. These negative traits they would very much not want to be associated are now used to describe their personality. Further, their silence on important matters that have caused problems in their personal or professional lives can give those around them the appearance that everything is okay which gives the troublemaker license to cause more problems. Continuing a friendship with negative people without addressing issues, will later backfire on the passive person and those associated with him or her. Once this happens, passive people will want to blame everyone else for their problems instead of themselves. This blame is just another distraction to keep them from handling the conflict. For example, your co-worker tells the boss he doesn’t like the way things are being handled in the office and mentions you feel the same way, rather than acknowledging the co-workers complaints and stating you are upset about how things are being handled as well, you deny ever discussing your grievances with him or her and quickly apologize to the boss for your co-workers outburst. It is easier to apologize for someone’s else’s justified anger to make yourself appear as if you are a peacemaker, rather than confront the issue.
Some passive people think they are being wise by not getting involved in other’s problems. However, when the problem is no longer someone else’s issues, but affects the passive person and his or her family. He or she will have to make right a wrong by explaining how the offender has said or done something that has caused ill feelings. Avoiding “the talk” will only send the message to the offender that he or she doesn’t care, fears him or her, or doesn’t know how to communicate.
Passive people may be very good at handling matters at work, but when it comes to handling family matters they are confused. Some passive people are tigers in the office and kittens at home. Children can smell this weak behavior a mile away and will capitalize on it to get what they want. There is nothing okay about allowing a child to get what they want when they want. The real world will not bow down to your child, so to protect them from harm by others, passive parents should learn how to be more assertive and teach their children they are not a doormat to be used, abused or misused.
Some passive people tend to build a private world around themselves that provides no room for change. New friends, hobbies or family events can be too much for a passive person who doesn’t want to deal with conflict if it should arise. They may reason that to have a new friend, hobby, or attend a family event, may cause one more problem in their life they don’t need, so they keep any opportunity to relate with others at a distance.
Controlling people know passive people are by their very nature kind-hearted people who try to protect themselves and others’ feelings from being hurt, so they take advantage of them. These negative and/or miserable people say and do what they want knowing that Mr. Nice Guy or Gal won’t speak up.
Passive people will have to learn how to fight for what is right by speaking loud and clear, reminding those with more controlling temperaments and louder voices that they cannot be bullied.
Nicholl McGuire
YouTube
For the purpose of this article, we will define passive as receiving or enduring without resistance, according to the Webster’s New Ideal Dictionary. When was the last time you received a problem that needed to be solved and you either passed it on to someone else or ignored it? Have you ever been placed in a situation where you had to stand up for your beliefs or defend someone else, but backed down because you didn’t want to face any possible negative repercussions for speaking out?
No one wants to be put in a negative situation, but sometimes we are in one whether we like it or not. We hope that the situation can be resolved with the least amount of confrontation, but oftentimes this is not the case. When you decide that you will “let it go, talk about it later,” or advise those around you “to keep quiet,” you may be causing what appears to be a little problem grow into a larger one. Take for instance, you are told that your mother has insulted the parents of your spouse. Your spouse comes to you with a list of offenses and requests you address these issues with your mother. You may do one of two things: say you will have a talk with your mother or you will become offended and tell your spouse how his or her parents are always troublemaking. Now if you choose to discuss your mother’s behavior with her, you will want to get everyone’s version of the story first, before advising your mother on her behavior. Now let’s say that what your mother did was really bad and unfortunately true, will you be firm with your mother about her actions, participate in your mother’s gossip session of how unreasonable your spouse’s relatives can be or avoid talking about the incident altogether?
The passive person will try to get out of talking about the incident or bring it up in such a way that when the conversation is all done; he or she will have made all parties involved feel as if nothing was accomplished. The passive person may also return to whoever was offended with lies or excuses designed to make the offended or the offender feel at ease. Later, the same problem will come up again and it is then that the person offended will realize their passive spouse, relative, or friend really didn’t handle matters. The offended will feel as if the passive person just isn’t on his or her side, have his or her back or experience some other feeling of disloyalty.
Why do passive people behave in fearful ways when addressing concerns? Because most are people pleasers. They want everyone to be happy and they want to be liked by all. This type of behavior can be dangerous. It has led to couples breaking up, people losing their jobs, children growing up to be adults out of control, relatives fighting, strangers being harmed and friendships ending.
Passive people are also silent communicators. They don’t know how to use their verbal skills in a crisis. They feel that whatever they say may not be heard, rejected, or misunderstood, so they rather not say anything. Their silence on important matters can make them appear to be not trustworthy, weak, and/or disloyal to others. These negative traits they would very much not want to be associated are now used to describe their personality. Further, their silence on important matters that have caused problems in their personal or professional lives can give those around them the appearance that everything is okay which gives the troublemaker license to cause more problems. Continuing a friendship with negative people without addressing issues, will later backfire on the passive person and those associated with him or her. Once this happens, passive people will want to blame everyone else for their problems instead of themselves. This blame is just another distraction to keep them from handling the conflict. For example, your co-worker tells the boss he doesn’t like the way things are being handled in the office and mentions you feel the same way, rather than acknowledging the co-workers complaints and stating you are upset about how things are being handled as well, you deny ever discussing your grievances with him or her and quickly apologize to the boss for your co-workers outburst. It is easier to apologize for someone’s else’s justified anger to make yourself appear as if you are a peacemaker, rather than confront the issue.
Some passive people think they are being wise by not getting involved in other’s problems. However, when the problem is no longer someone else’s issues, but affects the passive person and his or her family. He or she will have to make right a wrong by explaining how the offender has said or done something that has caused ill feelings. Avoiding “the talk” will only send the message to the offender that he or she doesn’t care, fears him or her, or doesn’t know how to communicate.
Passive people may be very good at handling matters at work, but when it comes to handling family matters they are confused. Some passive people are tigers in the office and kittens at home. Children can smell this weak behavior a mile away and will capitalize on it to get what they want. There is nothing okay about allowing a child to get what they want when they want. The real world will not bow down to your child, so to protect them from harm by others, passive parents should learn how to be more assertive and teach their children they are not a doormat to be used, abused or misused.
Some passive people tend to build a private world around themselves that provides no room for change. New friends, hobbies or family events can be too much for a passive person who doesn’t want to deal with conflict if it should arise. They may reason that to have a new friend, hobby, or attend a family event, may cause one more problem in their life they don’t need, so they keep any opportunity to relate with others at a distance.
Controlling people know passive people are by their very nature kind-hearted people who try to protect themselves and others’ feelings from being hurt, so they take advantage of them. These negative and/or miserable people say and do what they want knowing that Mr. Nice Guy or Gal won’t speak up.
Passive people will have to learn how to fight for what is right by speaking loud and clear, reminding those with more controlling temperaments and louder voices that they cannot be bullied.
Nicholl McGuire
YouTube
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
How to Know Your Mate is Abusive
When a woman first meets a man she doesn't know his upbringing, the company he keeps, what he likes to do in his spare time and most of all whether he has a disease or not. She can only make a determination of the man's character initially by how he looks, his mannerisms, what he says and how he treats her and the people around them. As she becomes increasingly more interested in him, she begins to trust him and will gradually let her "guard down". She will buy him gifts, offer to help him with cooking and housework, impress his family and friends and take part in his interests. While she is growing a fondness for him, he may be ready to have a relationship with her, but struggle with a dark past in the process.
What is in this man's dark past that the woman is not aware? For some men, it is a pattern of abusive behaviors toward women. It may have started when he witnessed his mother being beat by his dad, a live-in boyfriend or someone else. There may have been a time that a woman sexually abused him. Other instances of abuse could have occurred to him by a controlling mother or some other female authority. Whoever or whatever the situation, the man is aware that he exhibits inappropriate behavior with women, but no matter how hard he tries he can't seem to stop. This man may have prayed, visited the local church, talked with friends, read books, saw a counselor, took drugs, etc. but for whatever reason he just can't seem to break the cycle. This unsuspecting new mate doesn't know what she is about to experience with this man unless she recognizes the signs early and gets out permanently.
Every relationship starts off similar to what was described in the beginning of this article. No one really knows what they are getting themselves into until later, but in time the darkness comes to light and it is up to the woman to get out of the relationship as quickly, safely and peacefully as possible. The signs don't always show up right away. When people who have not had similar experiences make comments such as, "Why didn't you see the signs?" or "Why did you stay?" Some women may have turned a blind eye to those signs, been too busy to really notice, felt comfortable with him because a relative or friend did similar things or simply didn't care because they didn't want to date anyone else.
The following is a list of signs to watch out for early in the relationship to determine whether the man has abusive tendencies or has abused women in the past.
Someone tells you or he admits that he has hit women in the past.
He refers to all women he has dated in the past with derogatory terms. He may also refer to his mother using such terms as well.
An extensive collection of pornography and videotapes some of which are violent. He may try to tempt you into trying sexual acts that go against your better judgment. If you object, he may threaten to do them with someone else.
He tells you of abuse he has witnessed or has been a part of toward women. When asked if he has ever sought counseling, he says, "No, I never felt I needed it." He may feel guilty about it and promise that he won't do it to you.
Finds fault with all your family and friends once you have confided in him about them or he has met them. Later, he will use what he knows against you in an argument. (More details on this in point 10.)
Shows up unannounced at your job, home, or places you visit (may lead to stalking). May offer to take you to any of these places on a daily basis so that you may grow dependent on him.
Calls you often wanting to know your plans and in some cases you may have already told him, but he may be checking to see if your story has changed. He expects you to call him wherever you go and will become angry if you don't.
He doesn't like who he is and makes regular references about himself as being "stupid," "ugly," "dumb," and asks you, "Why do you want to be with me?" He will also resort to name calling whether he is arguing with you or "just being funny."
He attempts to control money you have earned and abuses possessions that you have acquired. He often asks for financial assistance, takes over your car and tells you how you should conduct your household. He may encourage you to live with him so that he can further control you.
He threatens to commit suicide when you try to break up with him.
He threatens to kill you over anything from wanting to end the relationship to talking to other men.
When you object to negative behavior he has done in the relationship such as mention he is cheating, caught him in a lie, hold him accountable to a promise, etc. he pushes, shoves, kicks, bites, chokes, grabs, or performs any action such as these to control you. (Note: some men may not do any of this, but will use mental abuse such as place blame - make you feel as if you are going crazy, use sensitive stories you have shared with him to belittle or degrade you, talk negatively about your family and friends to make you feel as if you have no support system.)
When he is angry with you he keeps you in a room with no access to a phone. He may lock you in the room.
If he doesn't like how you are acting around others whether it is being too friendly, talkative or affectionate, he will make false accusations to insight an argument so that he has an excuse to verbally or physically assault you. His attempt is to get you to "behave." Another attempt at controlling you. For many women this tactic works over time, particularly if you are dependent on him financially and/or physically.
When you want to visit with a friend, go out to the movies or some other past time, he oftentimes vehemently objects or he uses tactics to make you feel guilty so that you will stay home.
He will try to convince you that he is sorry for what he has done and will never do it again, only to do it again, and again.
Every man who has a history of abusing women knows the kind of mental struggles they contend with behind closed doors. Recalling when a female authority figure such as their mother was abused or his self. They remember how devastating it was to witness and/or experience such violent behavior during their childhood. Yet, some men rather than handle the pain positively, will encourage the hate they have toward women, using them for their own desires and then abusing them when they don't comply. Without mental help, some men will emulate the male mentors that were around them. If they witnessed a man they looked up to hurt women, then they may do the same things. This is one of the main reasons why women must remove their children out of abusive relationship Many children will only repeat, later in life, what they see.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship and people are calling you crazy for putting up with him, read Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, written by Nicholl McGuire. The book can be found at Amazon.com, Borders.com or Target.com
What is in this man's dark past that the woman is not aware? For some men, it is a pattern of abusive behaviors toward women. It may have started when he witnessed his mother being beat by his dad, a live-in boyfriend or someone else. There may have been a time that a woman sexually abused him. Other instances of abuse could have occurred to him by a controlling mother or some other female authority. Whoever or whatever the situation, the man is aware that he exhibits inappropriate behavior with women, but no matter how hard he tries he can't seem to stop. This man may have prayed, visited the local church, talked with friends, read books, saw a counselor, took drugs, etc. but for whatever reason he just can't seem to break the cycle. This unsuspecting new mate doesn't know what she is about to experience with this man unless she recognizes the signs early and gets out permanently.
Every relationship starts off similar to what was described in the beginning of this article. No one really knows what they are getting themselves into until later, but in time the darkness comes to light and it is up to the woman to get out of the relationship as quickly, safely and peacefully as possible. The signs don't always show up right away. When people who have not had similar experiences make comments such as, "Why didn't you see the signs?" or "Why did you stay?" Some women may have turned a blind eye to those signs, been too busy to really notice, felt comfortable with him because a relative or friend did similar things or simply didn't care because they didn't want to date anyone else.
The following is a list of signs to watch out for early in the relationship to determine whether the man has abusive tendencies or has abused women in the past.
Someone tells you or he admits that he has hit women in the past.
He refers to all women he has dated in the past with derogatory terms. He may also refer to his mother using such terms as well.
An extensive collection of pornography and videotapes some of which are violent. He may try to tempt you into trying sexual acts that go against your better judgment. If you object, he may threaten to do them with someone else.
He tells you of abuse he has witnessed or has been a part of toward women. When asked if he has ever sought counseling, he says, "No, I never felt I needed it." He may feel guilty about it and promise that he won't do it to you.
Finds fault with all your family and friends once you have confided in him about them or he has met them. Later, he will use what he knows against you in an argument. (More details on this in point 10.)
Shows up unannounced at your job, home, or places you visit (may lead to stalking). May offer to take you to any of these places on a daily basis so that you may grow dependent on him.
Calls you often wanting to know your plans and in some cases you may have already told him, but he may be checking to see if your story has changed. He expects you to call him wherever you go and will become angry if you don't.
He doesn't like who he is and makes regular references about himself as being "stupid," "ugly," "dumb," and asks you, "Why do you want to be with me?" He will also resort to name calling whether he is arguing with you or "just being funny."
He attempts to control money you have earned and abuses possessions that you have acquired. He often asks for financial assistance, takes over your car and tells you how you should conduct your household. He may encourage you to live with him so that he can further control you.
He threatens to commit suicide when you try to break up with him.
He threatens to kill you over anything from wanting to end the relationship to talking to other men.
When you object to negative behavior he has done in the relationship such as mention he is cheating, caught him in a lie, hold him accountable to a promise, etc. he pushes, shoves, kicks, bites, chokes, grabs, or performs any action such as these to control you. (Note: some men may not do any of this, but will use mental abuse such as place blame - make you feel as if you are going crazy, use sensitive stories you have shared with him to belittle or degrade you, talk negatively about your family and friends to make you feel as if you have no support system.)
When he is angry with you he keeps you in a room with no access to a phone. He may lock you in the room.
If he doesn't like how you are acting around others whether it is being too friendly, talkative or affectionate, he will make false accusations to insight an argument so that he has an excuse to verbally or physically assault you. His attempt is to get you to "behave." Another attempt at controlling you. For many women this tactic works over time, particularly if you are dependent on him financially and/or physically.
When you want to visit with a friend, go out to the movies or some other past time, he oftentimes vehemently objects or he uses tactics to make you feel guilty so that you will stay home.
He will try to convince you that he is sorry for what he has done and will never do it again, only to do it again, and again.
Every man who has a history of abusing women knows the kind of mental struggles they contend with behind closed doors. Recalling when a female authority figure such as their mother was abused or his self. They remember how devastating it was to witness and/or experience such violent behavior during their childhood. Yet, some men rather than handle the pain positively, will encourage the hate they have toward women, using them for their own desires and then abusing them when they don't comply. Without mental help, some men will emulate the male mentors that were around them. If they witnessed a man they looked up to hurt women, then they may do the same things. This is one of the main reasons why women must remove their children out of abusive relationship Many children will only repeat, later in life, what they see.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship and people are calling you crazy for putting up with him, read Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, written by Nicholl McGuire. The book can be found at Amazon.com, Borders.com or Target.com
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