I signed up for an online dating site for singles during a free trial period back in 2005 (since then I settled with one guy from back then.) I wasn’t desperate. I just wanted to try something different, because I had met men in traditional ways that most single women do such as: while walking down the street, through a mutual friend, attending a class, and at a family event. After spending about 30 minutes answering questions about everything from my preference in a man to what I like to do for fun, I had to create a small sales pitch as to why a man would be interested in me and upload my photo. When it was all said and done I had spent nearly two hours online just doing that then another couple of hours looking at page after page of single men. What I didn’t know is that every time I clicked on a man’s profile page my clicks were being tracked. The next day I received so many requests to chat live that I had to turn my speakers off because of all of the beeping!
There were Hispanic men, white men, black men, married men, and God only knows what other races of men flirting with me. “Hey sweetie! Hi beautiful! You are gorgeous!” One married man told me that I was going to make him divorce his wife! So I had to sift through all of the smooth talk and settle on a few men to chat. The Hispanic guy was a college educated guy with eyes to die for! The Middle Eastern guy seemed to be open minded, wanted me to know he loved America, but had no photo uploaded. The white guy told me candidly after a few conversations that he was interested in a sexual relationship and that he would even pay me if only he could do ABC and XYZ to me. I was so disappointed in him, because he only reinforced a known stereotype of why some white men will date black women. What’s funny was we had more in common than the others, but I had to politely tell him we couldn’t chat anymore. I was too offended beyond words.
So I continued to chat with the Hispanic guy who I later found out was from San Diego which was perfect since I was living in San Diego at the time. The Middle Eastern guy was also in San Diego as well. But as we chatted more, I found out that he wasn’t middle eastern he was jewish and from Israel. I asked him to send me some recent photographs. But he seemed apprehensive about my request. Then finally he said, "Okay." like he really didn't want to do it. When he did, I was blown away! He was much older than me; in fact he could pass for my dad! No wonder he didn't want to send the photos and kept insisting I meet him in person! I was also sickened to see that the woman he was posing with was his daughter and she was about my age! He followed up with me after he sent the photos and asked me, “So what do you think?” What was I going to say, “You are an old, balding guy who could pass for my dad?” Of course, I didn’t say that, but I was thinking it. Instead, I told him, “They were nice.” He said, “You didn’t like them did you?” I said, “It wasn’t that, but I don’t think you’re my type.” That was the truth they were nice. He had sent photos from when he was in his daughter’s wedding. He would probably be a perfect catch for a woman his own age 40 plus. He became angry. “Well I was your type before you saw the photos.” I responded politely, “Yes, but I have to feel attracted to you.” He became quiet and digressed about the subject, started talking about his business, a print shop that he owned in an astute part of San Diego, and then we were off the phone. I never called him again and neither did he call me. I felt that maybe he thought he was a perfect catch for some money-grubbing young woman, but he had me confused – I’m not that kind of woman!
So the Hispanic guy was the last one standing and I had focused all my attention on him for about two weeks and we were actually having a one of a kind connection. I really thought that one day I could marry this guy – I mean he was just that good! He was articulate, intelligent, funny, and seemed to be doing well for himself while attending college. He was young like I was at the time (he was in his late 20s. I was in my early 30s.) His photos were nice. He had a slightly tanned skin tone like that of a Caucasian with blue eyes. However, I later learned something that his photographs didn’t reveal after meeting him in person. He was very careful to cover the weird shaped head under the baseball hat that was in those photographs. He was also very good about keeping his mouth closed and smiling, because some of his teeth had small gaps in between them (more noticeable than normal.) Lastly, he remained seated in many of his shots which made it hard to determine his height and also hid the size of his belly. I admit I had fallen head over heels in “lust” with his personality and when I saw him in person, the physical attraction just wasn’t there. Yet, the attraction that I had for his intelligence was off the chart! As I learned a little more about him while being in his presence, I realized that I had created a fantasy inside my head that just wasn’t there when I looked into those beautiful eyes. After many years of being on the Internet, I realized at that very moment with him that internet dating is not to be taken lightly. It was obvious he liked me in fact he direct about wanted to have sex with me, but I noticed in his mannerisms that he may have been thinking, “She isn’t my type. Nice girl, but not my type.” I also made a mistake during this date, by agreeing to intimacy with him, then changing my mind, meanwhile putting him and me in a potentially violent situation. I said no, he said yes and one of us was going to be in some serious trouble if we kept on in our mess. I made the choice to carry the burden. After the meeting in person, we no longer contacted one another. This is why I strongly warn young women to not put themselves in a position where you feel you have to say yes. We are saying yes to rape, drugs, alcohol, and anything else when we are in a vehicle with a man alone out of site from the public, at his home, or in a hotel room. Then when we realize we made a mistake, we cry, “Rape.” and then it may be too late. You will either give in to his demands or walk out without an outward scar (but mental and spiritual wounds) for the public to see or fight, get the authorities’ involved, and go through a plethora of emotions. Those are your options. No doesn’t start while the act is going on, it starts before you go with him by yourself away from the eyes of the public.
I eventually did find a guy on the Internet that became the father of two of my children, but can I tell you that if you think that meeting a guy on the Internet is better than meeting a guy initially in person, I will have to disagree. Because if attraction is one of the things that is high on your list of interests when dating men, then you will find yourself very disappointed almost angry at yourself for wasting time. People who aren’t interested in attraction, that physical chemistry between two people, will probably have no problem mentally dating first and then settling even though they know the guy or girl would have never been their pick in person. For them it would be easy to settle since attraction isn’t high on their list and they are already in love with them mentally. However, for me I need the whole package or nothing at all. When the man who became my children’s father, arrived at my door step, there was a white aura around him that I was able to see from a spiritual sense. He had stimulated me not only mentally like the example I used earlier, but he had also stirred my loins! He was actually better looking in person than in some of the photographs he sent me. He told me the same thing when he had met me. At the time I needed someone who I could connect with spiritually and who had an unforgettable personality. I prayed for the kind of man who would make any strong, feminist type of woman, like myself, fall to her knees and say, “What will you have me to do for you?” The kind of man who would love his wife so much that she couldn’t help but be submissive to him, to me, that is a good man!
I encourage anyone who has done everything else but Internet date to try it at least once. You could save yourself and the people interested in you some time and money if you are honest! If you have one child or many children by different partners, say so. If you are unemployed, been in jail, or something else, why not state the obvious. You would be surprised at how many men and women who will turn a blind eye to your past when you take the time to briefly explain and then follow up with how you changed. I will admit that I have been very honest in my past profile and I the conversations I have had with the opposite sex to the point that some of my family and friends told me, “Don’t say that! Why would you tell him that?” I believe that honest is the best policy. As much as we are tempted to think we can control how a person feels about us, the truth is we may get away with it for a little bit, but eventually they will find out and reach a conclusion whether or not they want to be with us anyway. So why not get on the right track from the beginning when you seek your potential wife or wait for your potential husband?
Nicholl McGuire
